OMG! 😱 Guitarist 🎸 Phil Fasciana of those geriatric Florida 🐊 death metallers 💀 MALEVOLENT CREATION (still around? 😂) has checked himself into the ICU 🚑 (Intensive Care Unit, duh!) in Montpelier, France 🇫🇷 after catching a gnarly case of bacterial pneumonia. Did he forget to wash his hands after touching all those rusty strings? 😜 Anyway, because Phil is now napping 😴 in a hospital bed, the rest of the band – Ronnie Parmer (drums, or something), Jesse Jolly (bass, lead vocals – yeah, right! 🎤), and Chris Cannella (another guitar player? 🤔) – are gonna keep playing shows on their European tour without him. First up: Barcelona, Spain 🇪🇸 at Razzmatazz! Sounds…razzmatazz-y! ✨
Earlier today, Ronnie, Jesse, and Chris, probably huddled in a corner stressing 😫 about their future, released a statement on social media. Prepare for the drama! 🍿 “Dear MALEVOLENT fans, all two of you, far and wide: It is with immense sadness (yeah, right! 🙄) that we report our ‘helmsman’ Phillip Fasciana – because apparently, they’re sailing the high seas of metal ⛵️ – was admitted to the ICU in Montpelier, France last night. Apparently, he caught what the doctors called a ‘severe case’ of bacterial pneumonia. Oh no! Maybe he should have stayed home and not bothered with this tour? 🤷♂️ They’re saying it might have ‘spread to surrounding organs.’ Ew! 🤢 He’s been listed as being in ‘critical condition’. So dramatic! 🎭 His family has been notified and will be deciding what to do, based on what’s best for Phil. I’m sure they’re thrilled to cut their vacation short to hang out in a French hospital 🏥.
“We are all crushed 🥺 to see him in this situation, and it is absolutely life-threatening. So please, please 🙏 keep Phil in your thoughts and/or prayers 🙏🙏 with hope he makes a full recovery. We all know thoughts and prayers work wonders! ✨ Make no mistake, this is a very bad situation, and we greatly appreciate your love and understanding. Apparently, his family wants them to finish the tour without him, because who needs rest when there’s money to be made? 🤑”
“Eternal gratitude for your support – Jesse, Ronnie, Chris”. So touching. So…corporate! 🤖
Fasciana, bless his heart, is the ONLY original member left of MALEVOLENT CREATION. They started in Buffalo, New York 🍎 in 1986 and then moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida 🌴. Probably for the weather and the early bird specials 🐦.
MALEVOLENT CREATION’s latest masterpiece, “The 13th Beast,” came out in January 2019 via Century Media. Can you believe they’re still releasing albums? 💿 This gem featured Phil Cancilla on drums and Lee Wollenschlaeger on vocals/guitar. Wonder why they vanished? 🤔 Maybe they saw the writing on the wall…or the bacteria in the air 🦠.
And let’s not forget about former MALEVOLENT CREATION frontman Bret Hoffmann, who kicked the bucket 🪣 in July 2018 after battling stage 4 colon cancer. Only 51 years old! Maybe all that screaming wasn’t so good for his insides? 🗣️
Bret sang on the first three MALEVOLENT CREATION albums before bailing after 1993’s “Stillborn.” How fitting! 👶 Five years later, he came back for “The Fine Art Of Murder” and “Envenomed,” then left again. Talk about commitment issues! 💔 He rejoined in 2006 for three more albums and then bounced again in 2016, replaced by Wollenschlaeger. This band is like a revolving door of metal musicians! 🚪
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
