Netflix, in its infinite wisdom (or lack thereof, depending on how you feel about their recent… *choices* 🙄), has decided that what the world REALLY needs is ANOTHER live-action adaptation. This time, they’re setting their sights on the beloved (and arguably overdone) *Assassin’s Creed* franchise. Because, you know, the movie wasn’t bad enough, apparently. Strap yourselves in, folks, because we’re about to witness the streaming giant’s attempt to squeeze every last drop of nostalgia and fleeting attention from this poor, unsuspecting series. 🍿
Netflix, in a move that can only be described as either incredibly brave or breathtakingly stupid 🤡, has officially announced they’re diving headfirst into the *Assassin’s Creed* universe. This monumental decision, unveiled on Tudum (because where else would you drop such a bombshell? 🤔), marks the culmination of nearly five years of secret plotting and backroom deals with Ubisoft. Yes, you heard that right – FIVE YEARS! It’s the kind of dedication usually reserved for curing diseases or finally figuring out how to make a decent cup of coffee from a Keurig. This live-action spectacle is the inaugural production stemming from Netflix’s unholy alliance with Ubisoft, a pact forged way back in the ancient times of 2020. One can only imagine the brainstorming sessions: “Hey, let’s take a beloved video game franchise and turn it into something… different!” 😈
Peter Friedlander, Netflix’s Vice President of Scripted Series (a title that sounds way more important than it probably is 🤷♀️), wants you to know that this was ALL part of the plan. In his own words, “When we first announced our partnership with Ubisoft in 2020, we set out with an ambitious goal to bring the rich, expansive world of *Assassin’s Creed* to life in bold new ways.” (Read: “We wanted to milk this franchise for all it’s worth.”) He then goes on to say, “Now, after years of dedicated collaboration, it’s inspiring to see just how far that vision has come.” (Translation: “We’ve spent a lot of money, so it better be good.”) He even credits Roberto Patino and David Wiener for their “deft hands” in crafting an epic adventure. Deft hands, you say? Let’s hope they’re not too deft at ruining our childhoods. 🙏
Speaking of Roberto Patino (DMZ, Westworld, Sons of Anarchy) and David Wiener (Halo, Homecoming, The Killing) – these two Emmy-nominated titans (or so they’d like to think 🙄) are spearheading this monumental project. They’re the creators, showrunners, and executive producers, basically the holy trinity of TV adaptation overlords. Joining them in this quest to either elevate or obliterate the *Assassin’s Creed* legacy are Gerard Guillemot, Margaret Boykin, Austin Dill for Ubisoft Film & Television, and Matt O’Toole, all of whom are probably praying that this doesn’t turn into another *Resident Evil* situation. 😬
Wiener and Patino, in a joint statement so cliché it could be printed on a motivational poster, declare, “We’ve been fans of *Assassin’s Creed* since its release in 2007.” (Because who ISN’T a fan, right? It’s not like they were contractually obligated to say that or anything. 🙄) They go on to wax poetic about the “possibilities” that *Assassin’s Creed* offers, promising a human story about “people searching for purpose, struggling with questions of identity and destiny and faith.” You know, the usual deep stuff. But don’t worry, they also assure us there will be “power and violence and sex and greed and vengeance.” Because what’s an *Assassin’s Creed* adaptation without a healthy dose of gratuitousness? 😈
But wait, there’s more! Wiener and Patino want you to know that this show is about “the value of human connection, across cultures, across time.” It’s basically a historical, parkour-filled love letter to humanity! 🥰 They conclude by promising to create “something undeniable for fans all over the planet.” Undeniably… what? Undeniably mediocre? Undeniably disappointing? Only time will tell. ⏳
Netflix, riding high on their previous video game adaptations like *Castlevania* and *Cyberpunk: Edgerunners* (which, let’s be honest, had its moments but wasn’t exactly a masterpiece 🎨), wants you to believe that *Assassin’s Creed* is in “good hands.” But let’s not forget the graveyard of failed video game adaptations that litter the entertainment landscape. From the abysmal *Super Mario Bros.* movie to the train wreck that was *Warcraft*, the odds are stacked against them. So, while we can hold out a sliver of hope, let’s also prepare ourselves for the possibility that Netflix’s *Assassin’s Creed* will be nothing more than another casualty in the never-ending war between video games and Hollywood. 😭 Good luck, Netflix. You’re gonna need it. 🙏
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
