Oh, great, more Batman 🦇. As if we needed another reason to relive the glory days of the late ’80s and early ’90s. Tim Burton’s *Batman* (1989) and *Batman Returns* (1992) are crawling out of the Batcave for a limited theatrical run this August. Because apparently, nostalgia is a profitable disease💰.
So, get this, folks. Some cinematic archaeologists ⛏️ have decided to dust off Tim Burton’s *Batman* flicks and parade them around in theaters again. *Variety* says that *Batman* (1989) and *Batman Returns* (1992) are returning to the big screen on August 25. These films are apparently “recognized” as the “first foray” into dark Batman portrayals. Oh, please. As if Adam West’s campy Batman wasn’t dark enough with its existential dread 🤪. And let’s not forget those “instantly memorable performances” from Michael Keaton (who?), Michelle Pfeiffer (meow 😻), Jack Nicholson (heeere’s Johnny!), and Danny DeVito (quack 🦆).
I mean, who asked for this? I’m sure everyone’s thrilled to see these “remastered” versions in “Dolby Cinema” at AMC Theatres. Because nothing screams “classic cinema” like overpriced popcorn 🍿 and ear-splitting sound. And for the first time EVER, these films will be in Dolby Vision and Dolby Atmos. Prepare for unprecedented levels of darkness and bat noises🔊! As if we needed more ways to be overwhelmed. Here’s the trailer, if you’re into that sort of thing, I guess. 🙄
Tim Burton himself gushes, “I hadn’t watched these films since I made them.” Oh, really, Tim? Were you too busy counting your money 🤑? He continues, “seeing them again with this level of clarity, beauty, colour, and sound felt really new and exciting.” Translation: “I forgot how much money these movies made me! $$$” Jeff Goldstein from Warner Bros. (the guys swimming in cash) agrees: “Tim Burton’s acclaimed Batman films deliver a dark, iconic vision of Gotham City.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, Gotham’s dark. We get it. It’s not like we haven’t had a million gritty reboots since then. “Dolby now transforms these beloved classics into completely new cinematic experiences.” Because slapping a new coat of paint on something automatically makes it good. 🎨
And get this: *Batman Returns* was the first feature-length film released in Dolby Digital back in 1992! So, basically, it’s responsible for all the obnoxious surround sound we have to deal with today. Thanks, Tim! 😒 These re-releases apparently show how far the film industry has come. Translation: “We’re running out of ideas, so here’s some nostalgia bait.”
The Batman and Batman Returns double feature assaults your senses on August 25. Find an AMC near you. If you dare 😈. Don’t forget to bring your Bat-credit card 💳.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
