So, CGM (whoever they are 🤔) graced Walt Disney World’s Play ‘n Preview event with their presence (third row, no less! 👑). Apparently, some announcements were made. Groundbreaking. 🙄 Let’s dive into this earth-shattering news, shall we? Prepare for your mind to be mildly blown! 🤯
First up, Magic Kingdom is getting a “major overhaul” at Big Thunder Mountain. Barnabas T. Bullion (who?) dug too deep and found… rainbow caverns? 🌈 Sounds like someone’s been hitting the happy juice. 🍹 Supposedly, this makes the ride “more perilous.” As if the rickety old track wasn’t dangerous enough already! 🤣
But wait, there’s more! They’re re-tracking the whole thing! 🚧 Because nothing says “classic” like a smooth, modernized experience. 🙄 Reopening in 2026, so get your calendars out, folks! 🗓️ Disney Parks fans (aka, the easily excitable) should be “eager.” 😂
And hold on to your Mickey ears! 👂 *Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin* is also getting a “modernization”! 🚀 Because, yeah, that ride from the ’90s is totally cutting-edge. They’re adding *removable* laser guns! 🔫 Safety first, kids! Now you can accidentally blind your fellow riders! ✨ The targets will light up in different colors! 🚦 Because apparently, adults can’t tell who’s scoring without flashing lights. 🤦♀️ It’s going to “heighten the competition,” they say. Translation: expect more family feuds. 💥
Over at Disney’s Hollywood Studios, *Rock ’n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith* is… well, no longer starring Aerosmith. 🎸🚫 Say hello to The Muppets’ Electric Mayhem! 🤘 Because nothing screams “thrilling rock coaster” like… puppets? 🐸🐭🐷 The pre-show will be different, but “familiar.” 🤔 So, less Steven Tyler, more Kermit the Frog? 🤷♀️ The guitar at the entrance will be “reimagined.” 🎸➡️ ❓ Hopefully, it will be Animal-shaped. The thrills will be “unchanged.” 🎢 In other words, still jerky and headache-inducing. 🤕
*Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge* is getting some love too. *Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run* is adding The Mandalorian and Grogu. 👶💚 Because Disney needs more ways to shove Baby Yoda in your face. Now, instead of just collecting coaxium (whatever that is), you’ll be doing bounties for Mando. Exciting! 💫 The Engineer role is getting an “active part.” ⚙️ You get to choose locations and talk to Grogu. Prepare for lines longer than a Wookiee’s arm. 🐻
Animation Courtyard is being “completely redesigned” into a Disney Burbank campus clone. 🏢 Great! More generic buildings! Star Wars Launch Bay is getting the boot. 👋 Good riddance! *The Little Mermaid – A Musical Adventure* survives. 🧜♀️ Why? Who knows!
And finally, Animal Kingdom! 🐒 *Zootopia* is invading the Tree of Life with *Zootopia: Better Zoogether*. 🌳 Replacing *It’s Tough to Be a Bug*. 🐛➡️🦊 A nine-minute 4D experience! 👓 Smells included! 👃 Because that’s what everyone wants: to smell a cartoon fox. 🤡 Fans of Gazelle (voiced by Shakira) get a “special performance”.💃
So, there you have it. More reasons to drain your bank account at the House of Mouse. 💸 CGM recommends mixing new with old because the new stuff will be crowded. Duh. And another trip is “just around the corner.” Translation: we’ve got you hooked for life, sucker! 😂😂😂
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
