MY DYING BRIDE, the band that makes funerals sound like a rave, has finally decided to ditch their lead singer, Aaron Stainthorpe! 🤣 Apparently, he was too busy contemplating the existential dread of Yorkshire puddings to bother showing up. This earth-shattering news comes a whole *checks calendar* less than a year after they hired Mikko Kotamäki (from those sunshine enthusiasts, SWALLOW THE SUN) to pretend to be Aaron on stage in 2025. So, basically, they’ve had a stand-in frontman, and now they’re making it official? Slow clap 👏 for efficiency!
In a groundbreaking, world-stopping announcement, MY DYING BRIDE took to social media (because carrier pigeons are so last century) to declare: “MY DYING BRIDE have decided to part ways with vocalist Aaron Stainthorpe.” 📢 Cue the weeping emojis and dramatic sighs. Oh, the humanity!
“Please understand that this decision does not come lightly,” they whined. “Hence our initial and painful silence while we gathered our thoughts and carefully considered our response to the disengaged, eerily abandoned state we suddenly found ourselves in.” Translation: “We ghosted him, then felt bad about it.” 👻 They were probably too busy arguing over which shade of black best represents their despair to pick up the phone.
“Our collective decision to move forward without him is not something we thought we would ever be forced to say, but to ensure a continued legacy for what we hold dear to our hearts, we simply have to move past this. Whilst change can be difficult, we are doing our best to bring this new chapter forward with powerful positivity.” Translation: “We need to keep milking this cash cow before it keels over and dies… which, let’s face it, is pretty on-brand for us.” 🐄💰 Positivity? In *this* band? I’ll believe it when pigs fly. 🐷✈️
“MY DYING BRIDE are not on hiatus, we were never on hiatus.” They desperately added, “However, we do genuinely wish Aaron all the luck in the world in his new solo endeavors.” LOL, “genuinely.” 😂 They probably sent him a “good luck” text with the eggplant emoji.🍆
Last summer, the band’s guitar wizard, Andrew Craighan, got grilled by Metalirium about how the Mikko situation happened. Andrew explained that despite all the “problems,” they were ready to play their shows in 2024. But uh-oh, no singer! 🎤 AWKWARD! Apparently, they found this out “at the very last minute,” which led to canceling the shows. The horror! 😱 To avoid being “sidelined,” (because, heaven forbid, a doom metal band doesn’t wallow in public), they held a meeting and decided Mikko was the “unanimous first choice.” Because nothing says “doom metal” like borrowing a singer from a band called SWALLOW THE SUN. 🤔
When asked about Aaron‘s whereabouts, Andrew said, “As Aaron has, in truth, distanced himself from the band, we are only aware of his activities through social media and online interviews.” 🙄 Translation: “He blocked us on Facebook.” 🤣 Apparently, they contacted him in March 2025 to ask about his intentions, but he didn’t reply! Maybe he was busy writing a musical about the mating rituals of slugs? 🐌 Who knows! Andrew huffed, “Although he states online that he is still part of the band, he has not engaged with us since April 2024. So, in response to your question, the band does not know what his plans with MDB are.” Maybe he’s just really, *really* into method acting? 🎭 He’s living the “dying bride” experience, one silent, passive-aggressive day at a time.
Anyway, Kotamäki has already been trotting around Europe, Australia, and Asia with them, belting out tunes while Aaron is probably at home, binge-watching cat videos. 😹
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
