Universal Orlando has finally decided to listen to the screams of a generation and replace the ear-bleeding auditory nightmare of the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit with something that might actually be worth the 90-minute wait: the Fast & Furious: Hollywood Drift. 🎢 Because nothing screams “Florida” quite like a coaster named after a city in California, right? Well, I guess technically the name could refer to Hollywood, Florida, where the most dangerous drift you’ll experience is avoiding an alligator in a Walmart parking lot. But let’s be real, we’re talking about the “Fast & Furious” franchise here—the only place where a family is held together by nitrous oxide and avarice, not therapy and brunch. 🏎️💨
Universal Studios Hollywood already has this ride coming, because apparently, they needed something to do while waiting for the theme park to slide into the ocean. But today, Universal dropped the bombshell that Universal Studios Florida is getting its own version of Hollywood Drift. 🌴 It’s slated to open later this year, which gives you plenty of time to practice your “family” speeches in the mirror. The ride will replace the park’s former coaster, Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit, which closed in 2025. Let’s be honest, that ride was less of a thrill and more of a sensory assault. It closed because the speakers finally blew out playing “Who Let the Dogs Out” for the 40 millionth time. 💀
According to the press release—which was likely written by a AI trained on the screenplay of *Fast 9*—Hollywood (Florida) Drift “will put guests in the driver seat of the high-speed thrills of Universal Pictures’ *Fast & Furious* universe like never before.” 🤡 What does that mean? Probably that you’ll be confused, broke, and wondering where The Rock went. They promise “the exhilarating sensation of 360-degree drifting,” which is just a fancy way of saying you’re going to get motion sickness so intense you’ll see God. They also mention a “170-foot vertical spike” that sends riders nearly 17 stories in the air. That’s a lot of height just to remind everyone that Vin Diesel’s ego is the only thing taller. 🚀
As the Hollywood version is further along—meaning it’s already scaring the locals in California—Universal has already revealed the look of the cars. Spoiler alert: they look like cars. 🚗 Shocking, I know. I was hoping for sentient dinosaurs, but we get another “immersive experience” where we sit in a glorified golf cart while screens flash in our faces. To the layout of the track and the design of the station… which will undoubtedly be covered in sponsorships for Dodge and synthetic oil. 🛢️
But wait, there’s a catch! As part of the addition of Hollywood Drift to Florida, Universal also announced they will be closing its existing *Fast & Furious* attraction, Fast & Furious: Supercharged. 😱 Gasp! The tragedy! The irony here is thicker than Dom Toretto’s neck. The Supercharged ride was actually an update of Universal’s old Earthquake and Disaster attractions. It used a tram in a screen-filled tunnel to simulate a high-speed chase that felt more like a screensaver on Windows 95. It was poorly received because the effects were about as convincing as a politician’s promise. 📉
It got such a bad reputation that a longtime Universal theme park designer publicly stated that bringing Supercharged to Florida was the biggest mistake of his career. 💀 Yikes. That’s like saying working at McDonald’s ruined your ambition to be a gourmet chef. But let’s not dwell on the past! We have a new coaster to hype.
If you’re going to make a roller coaster based on a movie, it’s hard to think of a franchise more suited to that task than *Fast & Furious*. It’s got speed, bombastic music, and the whole conceit of drifting. If the ride lives up to the movies, it should be a lot of fun. 🎉 It should defy physics, logic, and gravity, just like the plot of *F9*. So, get ready to drift into oblivion, Universal fans. Your wallet is about to be as empty as the head of a henchman in the first 10 minutes of any *Fast & Furious* movie. 🏎️🎢🤡
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
