OMG! 🙄 Can you believe it’s only been, like, NINE years since Moana brainwashed our kids? 🤯 Apparently, that’s enough time for Disney 🐭 to milk it for all it’s worth. I mean, Frozen who? 🧊 Moana’s the real cash cow, so naturally, they’re blessing us with BOTH a Moana 2 AND a live-action remake of the first one. 🙄 Because originality is SO overrated. 🤮
So, instead of actually, ya know, resolving that earth-shattering cliffhanger from Moana 2 (Bat lady? Seriously? 🦇 Is that the best they could come up with? 🤦♀️), we get to relive Moana 1 with actual humans! 🎉 And get this, The Rock 🪨 himself, Dwayne Johnson, is back as Maui! ✨ Because who else could possibly fill those tiny, animated shorts? 🤣
Don’t get too excited about seeing The Rock, though. 😒 The teaser trailer is basically a Maui-shaped tease. Mostly we see his backside 🍑 or him as a distant bird 🐦 thanks to that magical fish hook of his. But hey, we DO get a good look at the new Moana, played by Catherine Lagaʻaia. Hope she’s ready for a lifetime of being compared to a cartoon! 🤪
This cinematic masterpiece is brought to you by Thomas Kail, the genius behind Hamilton. 🎭 (Because rapping Founding Fathers is EXACTLY like a Polynesian adventure. 🙄 Makes total sense!). Of course, we can’t forget Lin-Manuel Miranda, the guy who gave us those earworm songs we’re still trying to forget.
Brace yourselves for the official synopsis:
In Disney’s live-action reimagining of the beloved Oscar®-nominated animated adventure, Moana (Catherine Lagaʻaia) answers the Ocean’s call and, for the first time, voyages beyond the reef of her island of Motunui with the infamous demigod Maui (Dwayne Johnson) on an unforgettable journey to restore prosperity to her people. The film is directed by Emmy® and Tony Award® winner Thomas Kail (“Hamilton”); produced by Dwayne Johnson, Beau Flynn, Dany Garcia, Hiram Garcia and Lin-Manuel Miranda; and executive produced by Thomas Kail, Scott Sheldon, Charles Newirth and Auliʻi Cravalho, who voiced Moana in the animated features “Moana” and “Moana 2.”
So basically, it’s the same movie, but with real people! 🎉 Groundbreaking! 🤯 Mark your calendars, folks! Moana (the remake, because we needed another one 🙄) hits theaters on July 10, 2026. Get ready to spend your hard-earned cash on something you’ve already seen! 💰
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
