Alright, gamers, gather ’round and let Uncle Trollington tell you about *ARC Raiders*, the upcoming extraction shooter from those lovable rogues at Embark Studios, the same geniuses who gave us *The Finals* (which, let’s be honest, was only kinda good). I got to spend NINE whole hours playing this thing, which is basically a lifetime in internet years. Prepare for my unbiased, totally objective, and not-at-all-exaggerated opinions!
So, *ARC Raiders* is set in the future, after some robots named ARC messed up Earth real good. Humans, being the geniuses we are, decided to hide underground in cities like Speranza. But guess what? Those cities need *stuff*, so we send out brave (or stupid) citizens to scavenge. Oh, and there’s a rooster named Scrappy. Yes, a rooster. I’m not making this up. The fate of humanity rests on a digital rooster’s appetite for… whatever roosters eat in the post-apocalypse. 🐓 Probably old circuit boards.
The gameplay? Oh, it’s your standard “shoot, loot, scoot” extraction shooter, but with a *twist*! (Said in a dramatic movie trailer voice). You shoot robots, you loot their scrap metal (which I’m sure is totally useful), and you scoot back to base before more robots show up. Riveting, I know. But hey, at least it *looks* pretty. It’s like *Star Wars: Battlefront*, but with less Star Wars and more existential dread.
The gunplay is “snappy and satisfying,” or so they say. I found it more like “frantic and terrifying.” Your guns break faster than my New Year’s resolutions, ammo is rarer than a decent human being on the internet, and every shot you fire is like screaming “COME GET ME, ROBOTS!” Seriously, you might as well just stand there with a big sign that says “FREE LOOT HERE!” 🔥
And the robots? They’re not just dumb bullet sponges. Oh no, they’re *specialized* bullet sponges! You got your little quadcopter snitches, your turret campers, and my personal favorite, the face-hugging spider bots! Because nothing says “fun” like having a digital arachnid violate your personal space. 🕷️
But wait, there’s more! It’s not just the robots you have to worry about. It’s *other players*! Because in the apocalypse, humanity’s greatest enemy is… humanity! I tried playing solo, and all I got was a one-way ticket to Ragequit City. I was just trying to defend myself against the robot hordes, and suddenly, every tryhard on the server descended upon me like vultures on a roadkill. They murdered me for my precious deflated soccer balls. ⚽ Those were for Scrappy, you monsters!
Even with a team, it’s a constant struggle. Every firefight turns into a war of attrition, where you spend more time crafting bandages than actually shooting things. And even if you win, you’re just attracting more attention. It’s like a never-ending cycle of violence and loot-hoarding.
But hey, at least the world is pretty! It’s all “bleak and sublime,” which is code for “everything is broken and covered in sand.” But hey, at least the level designers made it fun to jump around! It’s like a post-apocalyptic parkour course!
My favorite map was “Buried City,” which is basically a bunch of ruins connected by sand dunes. It’s a “dynamic arena” where there’s “no safe space.” Which basically means you’re going to die. A lot.
After nine hours of this, I was ready to throw my computer out the window. But then, something weird happened. We got wiped in the last session, and we actually wanted to play *more*! We cobbled together some trash gear and went back in, seeking only death or glory. We got neither, but hey, at least we had fun!
So, what’s the verdict? Is *ARC Raiders* going to be the next big thing? Probably not. But is it a fun, chaotic, and occasionally rage-inducing experience? Absolutely! It’s like *Hunt: Showdown*, but with robots and a rooster. And honestly, that’s enough for me.
*ARC Raiders* is coming to PC, PlayStation 5, and Xbox Series X/S in 2025 for the low, low price of $40. And if you’re *really* desperate, you can sign up for the Steam tech test. Just don’t expect to survive. And for the love of all that is holy, protect Scrappy. He’s our only hope. 🙏
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
