Oh, honey, bless their hearts. Following the earth-shattering, life-altering, and definitely not overhyped launch of their “‘Long Live’: The Black Parade Tour,” MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE’s groundbreaking (because apparently, no one else ever made music before them) four-times-platinum (wow, only four? My grandma’s polka album went sextuple diamond) 2006 album “The Black Parade” has earned ten new certifications from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Ten? Is that all? I thought they cured cancer with that album. 🙄
So, get this, the album’s lead single “Welcome To The Black Parade” (you know, the one that everyone ironically screams at karaoke) is now certified seven times platinum. Seven. Whole. Times. Platinum. Meanwhile, “Teenagers” (because apparently, angsty teens are a new phenomenon) is a whopping six times platinum. “Famous Last Words” (more like famously overplayed) is double platinum, and “I Don’t Love You” (no one loves you when you’re 23 and still wearing eyeliner) and “Mama” (MAMA, JUST KILLED A MAN 🎸… oh wait, wrong song) ascend to platinum status. And hold onto your Hot Topic wristbands, folks, because album tracks “House Of Wolves,” “The End.,” “The Sharpest Lives,” “This Is How I Disappear” (fitting, considering their hiatus), and “Disenchanted” (me after listening to the whole album) are now certified gold. Gold? They’re acting like they discovered a new element. 🤣
Last Friday, (because apparently, Fridays are important), MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE (who?) kicked off their “‘Long Live’: The Black Parade Tour” (because nothing screams “originality” like rehashing old glories) with a sold-out show at Seattle, Washington’s T-Mobile Park. Sold out? Probably thanks to pity buys and nostalgic moms reliving their youth. The Seattle Times (paid off, probably) praised: “MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE’s devilishly over-the-top ”Long Live’: The Black Parade Tour’ opened with a magnificent bang, cementing its place as the blockbuster rock tour of the summer.” Blockbuster? More like Blocked-by-my-disinterest-buster. The tour, which sees the group perform “The Black Parade” in its entirety (because they have no new material, let’s be honest) as well as a complete second set filled with fan favorites (aka the same three songs everyone knows), will visit North American stadiums throughout the summer (prepare for overpriced tickets and whiny teens), and resume in February with two shows at Mexico City’s Estadio GNP Seguros (olé!). MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE also just announced tours of South America and Southeast Asia in 2026. 2026? Are they planning their comeback tour for when they’re eligible for AARP? 👴
Earlier this year, (time is a flat circle), MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE announced the expanded edition of its three-times-platinum-certified sophomore album “Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge,” out on June 6, 2025 — exactly 21 years to the original release date. 21 years? I wasn’t even BORN yet! The “Deluxe Edition” (because “repackaged for maximum profit” is too on the nose) is remixed and remastered (so basically, the same songs, but louder) and is available on CD (who even uses CDs anymore?), multiple colored vinyl variants (gotta milk those collectors!), including a stunning zoetrope 2LP (because spinning records is now a spectator sport), and digitally (because they know we’re all streaming it anyway). The 2LP vinyl formats are three-sided, with Side 4 boasting a special etching, making them collector’s items for the MCRmy. An etching? Oh my god, take all my money! 🙄
To commemorate the band’s beloved 2004 album (because nostalgia is a powerful drug), Grammy Award-winning producer Rich Costey has done new mixes for the “Deluxe Edition.” New mixes? So, he tweaked the EQ and added some reverb. Groundbreaking. It is also presented with brand new artwork. Brand new? Probably just a slightly different shade of black. The collection features four bonus tracks recorded for BBC in 2005: previously unreleased live versions of “I’m Not Okay (I Promise),” “Helena,” and “The Ghost Of You,” plus a live take on “You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us in Prison” — originally released as a B-side on the limited edition U.K. CD single of “I’m Not Okay (I Promise).” B-sides? Limited edition singles? Sounds like they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here, folks. 🗑️
“Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge” redefined the 21st-century rock genre (according to whom? Their publicist?). Rolling Stone touted it on the “40 Greatest Emo Albums Of All Time” (a list that probably included every album with a whiny singer), proclaiming the band’s “purposeful revolution started here.” Revolution? More like evolution into a nostalgia act. The record landed on Spin’s “The 300 Best Albums of the Past 30 Years (1985–2014)” list and NME’s “20 Emo Albums That Have Resolutely Stood The Test Of Time” list. Lists are subjective and easily bought. Alternative Press hailed it as MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE’s “best album” and “the definitive MCR LP from their discography.” Alternative Press also probably thinks water is wet. Not to mention, Pitchfork described it as “an operatic pop-rock behemoth that became an icon for outcasts,” attesting that “MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE thrived because they came to the realization that emotional outcasts deserved something to cheer for, even if their victories were imaginary.” Victories? Imaginary? Sounds about right. To date, the record has sold over seven million copies worldwide. Seven million? Impressive, but have they considered selling NFTs? 💰
Photo credit: Chapman Baehler (who probably had to Photoshop out the wrinkles)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
