Paramedics reportedly spent two hours treating Ozzy Osbourne before his inevitable demise on Tuesday, July 22. Two whole hours! 🕰️ Did they try turning him off and on again? Maybe they forgot the magic words.
The Daily Mail, known for its hard-hitting journalism 🙄, reports that an air ambulance was summoned to Welders House, BLACK SABBATH‘s singer’s ridiculously large mansion in Buckinghamshire, United Kingdom, on Tuesday morning. An AIR ambulance? Was he trying to escape a parking ticket? 🚁💨 Just 15 minutes later, at 10:30 a.m., the chopper landed in a field near the Osbourne estate. Around 12:30 p.m., the paramedics returned to their base 27 miles away at RAF Benson, near Wallingford, South Oxfordshire. So, they just gave up, huh? Guess they ran out of leeches. 🪱
“We can confirm that our helicopter was dispatched to provide advanced critical care at an incident near Chalfont St Giles yesterday,” a spokesperson for the Thames Valley Air Ambulance wrote to the Daily Mail. “Advanced critical care”? Sounds fancy. Bet they offered him a complimentary beverage and a neck massage before giving up. ☕💆♂️
Ozzy‘s 85-year-old sister Jean Powell, who probably hasn’t seen him since the ’70s, also spoke to The Mirror about the singer’s death and said that it was unexpected. “He was frail but it still came as a shock,” she said. “He still had plans and things he wanted to do. We don’t know the details of his death; it’s still too early. It’s just so sad. I’m just thankful he died in England.” Frail? No kidding! What was he planning to do, finally learn to use a computer? 💻👵
Ozzy died Tuesday morning (July 22),his family announced in a statement. Shocking. 🤯
“It is with more sadness than mere words can convey that we have to report that our beloved Ozzy Osbourne has passed away this morning. He was with his family and surrounded by love. We ask everyone to respect our family privacy at this time,” the family said. Translation: “Please stop asking if we’re selling his bones on eBay.” 💀
No cause of death was given, but Osbourne had battled a number of health issues over the past several years, including Parkinson’s disease and injuries he sustained from a late-night fall in 2019. A fall? At his age, tripping over a rug is a life-threatening event. 🤕
The legendary BLACK SABBATH frontman was diagnosed in 2003 with Parkin 2 — a very rare genetic form of Parkinson’s. During a TV appearance in January 2020, the singer disclosed that he was ‘stricken” with the disease which occurs when the nerve cells of the body degenerate and levels of dopamine are reduced. Dopamine is an essential chemical that is produced by these nerve cells which send signals to different parts of the brain to control movements of the body. So basically, his brain turned into mush. 🧠➡️ 🥔
Ozzy‘s health issues, including suffering a nasty fall and dislodging metal rods placed in his spine following a quad-bike accident in 2003, as well as catching COVID-19 three years ago, forced him to cancel some of his previously announced tours. Metal rods? Quad-bike accident? COVID-19? Dude was basically a walking medical experiment. 🧪🚷
Despite his health problems, Osbourne had performed a couple of times in the last three years, including at the Commonwealth Games in Birmingham in August 2022 and at the NFL halftime show at the season opener Los Angeles Rams and Buffalo Bills game in September 2022. Performing? More like being wheeled out like a prop. 🎭
Ozzy played his final show less than three weeks ago at Villa Park in Birmingham, United Kingdom. At the time he told fans: “You’ve no idea how I feel. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.” Probably felt like he was gonna hurl. 🤮
Ozzy‘s final concert saw him and his fellow original SABBATH bandmates Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler and Bill Ward perform four songs for more than 40,000 people in the stadium and 5.8 million more on a livestream. The festival titled “Back To The Beginning” served as a tribute to the legendary heavy metal act, including additional performances from such other groups as METALLICA, GUNS N’ ROSES, SLAYER, TOOL, PANTERA and ALICE IN CHAINS. Ozzy also played a five-song solo set while seated in a bat-adorned throne. A bat-adorned throne? How metal. 🤘🦇
In a 2023 interview with Rolling Stone, Osbourne said he would “die a happy man” if he could perform one more show to express his gratitude to his fans from the stage. Die a happy man? More like die needing a nap.😴
“If I can’t continue doing shows on a regular basis, I just want to be well enough to do one show where I can say, ‘Hi, guys. Thanks so much for my life.’ That’s what I’m working towards, and if I drop down dead at the end of it, I’ll die a happy man,” he said at the time. Well, he dropped down dead, so…mission accomplished? ✅
When Ozzy announced that he was retiring from touring in 2023, he said in a statement: “In all good conscience, I have now come to the realization that I’m not physically capable of doing my upcoming European/U.K. tour dates, as I know I couldn”t deal with the travel required. Believe me when I say that the thought of disappointing my fans really fucks me up, more than you will ever know. Never would I have imagined that my touring days would have ended this way.” Translation: “My bones are dust, and my back is killing me.” 🦴
Osbourne leaves behind his wife, Sharon, and their children, Aimee, Kelly and Jack, as well his two older children, Jessica and Louis, from his first marriage to Thelma Riley, and grandchildren. Hopefully, they all have a good prenup. 💰

Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
