So, like, METALLICA is STILL trying to be relevant by partnering with the American Red Cross. Because apparently, headbanging isn’t enough to save lives; now they need your blood, too? 😂 Beyond the “M72” U.S. tour, they’re launching this “Give Where You Live” campaign. I bet Lars came up with that name himself. 🙄
If you’re dumb enough to sign up to give blood (or, god forbid, platelets 🤮) at RedCrossBlood.org/Metallica (because nothing says “rock ‘n’ roll” like anemia!), you might win an ESP Snakebyte guitar. It’s got some ugly Red Cross x Metallica design by some dude named Squindo, and it’s autographed by the band, who probably just sighed and scribbled on it between shots of botox.💉Oh, and this only applies if you donate between July 29, 2025, and February 28, 2026, at any Red Cross blood drive in the US. So, mark your calendars, folks!📅 You also get a limited-edition T-shirt (while supplies last, which means the first 10 people get one, and everyone else gets a coupon for Chili’s).👕
Apparently, this is all because METALLICA fans are such bleeding hearts (pun intended 😂). Back in April, they had some blood drives at the “M72” tour stops, and over 2,000 people showed up! That’s, like, a drop in the bucket compared to the amount of money they make off overpriced concert tickets. 💰 Each blood donation can “help save more than one life.” Yeah, and each overpriced beer at their concert can help you forget you spent all your money on said concert.🍻
Darren Irby, some executive dude at the Red Cross, said METALLICA and their fans are super committed to patients. I bet he also thinks “St. Anger” is a masterpiece. 🤡 He’s “thrilled” to offer a “brand new, exclusive ‘thank you'” to METALLICA fans. Translation: he’s thrilled to exploit their fanbase for free blood.🩸
Wanna learn more and give your blood to the machine? Head over to RedCrossBlood.org/Metallica. But don’t say I didn’t warn you when you pass out from blood loss during “Enter Sandman.” 😴
In case you didn’t know, METALLICA was formed in 1981 by James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich. Fun fact: Lars originally wanted to call the band “Skid Row,” but Jon Bon Jovi threatened to sue him. 🤣 They also have Kirk Hammett and Robert Trujillo, who are probably just happy to be there. 🎉 They’ve sold “nearly” 125 million albums, which is code for “we rounded up a lot.” They’ve also streamed 17 billion times, mostly by bots and people who accidentally left their Spotify on repeat. 🤖 They’ve played on all seven continents, including Antarctica, where the penguins probably weren’t too impressed.🐧 They have a “fiercely loyal” fan club, which mostly consists of middle-aged dudes reliving their youth.👴 Their albums include classics like “Kill ‘Em All” and “Master Of Puppets”, as well as the dumpster fire that is “St. Anger”.🔥 And don’t forget “72 Seasons”, because I know you already did.🎶
METALLICA has won nine Grammy Awards, which is nine more than they deserve.🏆 They got inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame, proving that the Hall of Fame has lost all credibility. 🏛️
Oh, and they have a foundation called All Within My Hands.👐 It’s raised over $20 million, which is probably just a tax write-off.💸 They’ve given money to workforce education, hunger relief, and “critical local services.” So, basically, they’re just trying to look good while still charging $200 for a concert ticket.🎟️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
