Ahoy, shipmates! Get ready to drain your bank accounts 💸 because 70000 Tons Of Metal, the only metal cruise that matters (according to them), is back in 2026! Public sales commence on August 19, 2025, at the totally reasonable hour of 12:00 p.m. EDT / 18:00 CET via 70000tons.com. Prepare to fight over tickets like it’s Black Friday at Walmart for a slightly less disappointing flat screen TV. This aquatic metal-fest promises an “unforgettable” experience, with 60 bands playing on four stages. And yes, they’re still bragging about that pool deck stage. Who needs a relaxing Caribbean vacation when you can mosh in a hot tub? 🤷♀️
In news that will either excite you or make you question your life choices, thrash metal dinosaurs 🦖 ANTHRAX have been added to the lineup. Known for their… uh… “blistering” live performances and a discography that definitely exists, ANTHRAX will be bringing their “full-throttle energy” aboard. Translation: expect the same old songs you’ve heard a million times, but this time, on a boat! 🚢 They’ll be gracing us with two “unique” sets. Probably an acoustic set where they play “Madhouse” with ukuleles 🎸 and a set where they dress up as pirates. Yarrr!
70000 Tons Of Metal 2026 will be departing from the armpit of America, Miami, Florida, on January 29th, heading to the exotic locale of Nassau, Bahamas, and then back to the soul-crushing reality of your everyday life on February 2nd, 2026. You’ll be slumming it aboard Royal Caribbean’s luxury cruise ship Freedom Of The Seas, which, ironically, doesn’t guarantee you’ll find any actual freedom. Expect round-the-clock entertainment, artist-hosted activities (like awkward Q&As where no one asks good questions 🎤), and the chance to stalk your metal heroes in a confined space. It’s basically a metalhead’s dream… or nightmare… depending on your tolerance for close encounters of the metal kind.👽
Only 3,000 tickets are available, because exclusivity is key to fleecing metalheads out of their hard-earned cash.💰 This ensures a “tight-knit, global metal community.” Translation: 3,000 sweaty people crammed into a floating sardine can. Fans are encouraged to book early so you don’t miss the boat… literally and figuratively!🚢
Here’s the list of bands they’ve managed to wrangle so far. Get ready to be underwhelmed! 👇
AMORPHIS
ANTHRAX
BEAST IN BLACK
DARK TRANQUILLITY
DØDHEIMSGARD
DUST BOLT
ELUVEITIE
EREB ALTOR
FIREWIND
GAMA BOMB
GROZA
HAGGARD
HARAKIRI FOR THE SKY
HEATHEN
HIRAES
HIRAX
HOUR OF PENANCE
ILLDISPOSED
IN MOURNING
INSOMNIUM
KAMELOT
ORDEN OGAN
PERSEFONE
RHAPSODY OF FIRE
SATAN
SATURNUS
SEVEN SPIRES
SKELETAL REMAINS
SKYCLAD
SOEN
SOILWORK
SUIDAKRA
TÝR
VADER
VIO-LENCE
WIND ROSE
WOLF
XANDRIA
With ten consecutive sellouts, this floating money pit sails on some of the largest luxury passenger vessels in the world. Featuring 60 bands, 70000 Tons Of Metal is home to the world’s biggest open-air stage structure to ever sail the open seas. Yeah, we get it, it’s big. 🙄
Guests can enjoy the “heavy metal festival experience of a lifetime” with all the benefits of a cruise: complimentary dining that’s probably just edible, bars that never close (because alcoholism is a metal prerequisite 🍻), 24-hour room service (for when you inevitably get food poisoning 🤮), and the ship’s many amenities (like a casino where you can lose even more money 🎰).
All 60 bands play twice, because why not? There are four concert locations: a concert hall, the Royal Theater (which sounds way more regal than it probably is), the Star Lounge (for a “personal” experience – aka, cramped and sweaty 🥵), and Studio B (arena-like vibes? Sure, if your arena is the size of a bowling alley). And, of course, the legendary pool deck stage, complete with bars, pools, and hot tubs. Because nothing says “metal” like sipping a margarita in a jacuzzi while a band screams at you.🍹
This four-day metal extravaganza offers 3,000 metalheads the chance to “mingle side by side” with the bands. With no VIP areas, it’s like everyone has a backstage pass… to a crowded hallway. Every ticket includes meet-and-greets (prepare for awkward selfies 🤳), masterclasses (learn to shred from someone who’s been shredding for 30 years and still hasn’t made it big 👨🏫), world live premieres (of songs you’ll forget the next day), and exclusive listening sessions of unreleased material (that’s probably better off unreleased 🤫). There’s also the “Jamming in International Waters All Star Jam,” where musicians who peaked in the ’80s play covers of other musicians who peaked in the ’80s.🎸
Sailors also have the opportunity to explore a Caribbean dream destination with their favorite band members on an “Artist Escorted Shore Excursion.” Because who wouldn’t want to spend their vacation following a bunch of hungover metalheads around a tourist trap? 🪤
So, if you’re looking to blow your entire savings on a glorified booze cruise with some metal bands, head over to 70000tons.com. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you! ☠️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
