In a recent earth-shattering 💥 interview with George Dionne of The Rock Is George podcast, the one and only Matt Barlow, formerly of ICED EARTH and currently fronting ASHES OF ARES (who?), disclosed that he moonlights as a police officer in the glamorous metropolis of Georgetown, Delaware. When quizzed about whether the unwashed masses recognize him from his days of screaming about dystopia and whatnot, Barlow, bless his heart, actually responded. I mean, who cares, right? 🤷♂️
But here’s the gem (as transcribed by BLABBERMOUTH.NET, because apparently, this is news): “Some people know me. I’ve got a nice group of friends that are in law enforcement and the legal field, some lawyer friends and things like that.” Oh, aren’t we fancy? 💅 He then droned on about an ASHES OF ARES “record-listening party” (lol, who listens to records anymore? 👴) at The Brimming Horn Meadery (what in the Ren Faire is that? 🏹) in Milton, Delaware. Apparently, his cop buddies showed up, and he was “actually surprised.” Bless his heart. He thought people cared. 🥺 So touching.
Dionne, in a moment of profound insight (or maybe he was just being polite), suggested that Barlow‘s little shindig “kind of humanizes police officers.” To which Barlow, ever the philosopher 🧠, replied: “Yeah, I know it does seems strange for us, because we are just humans.” Groundbreaking stuff, people! 🤯 He went on to explain that cops are “just regular people that put on a uniform and go out and do a job that a lot of people don’t like to do.” Oh, the sacrifices! The heroism! 🦸♂️ But wait, there’s more! He understands that people get “angry at ‘the man’,” regardless of the uniform. Deep. Real deep. He then rambled about “community policing” and how it’s “hard to get out there and do that community interaction whenever you’re slammed with 900 complaints.” Boo hoo. Cry me a river. 😭 Short staffing is tough, he whined, but “the crime doesn’t stop.” Well, duh! 🙄 Is this news to anyone? Seriously, who greenlit this interview? 🤦♂️
But wait, there’s more gold to mine from this cringe-fest! Two whole months ago, some bloke named Tom Wilson from Australia’s Sense Music Media (never heard of ’em 🤷♀️) dared to ask Barlow about his reaction to seeing the infamous photo of ICED EARTH‘s ringleader Jon Schaffer storming the U.S. Capitol in January 2021. Oh, the drama! 🎭 Barlow, being the soul of tact and diplomacy (or maybe just trying to avoid a family feud 👨👩👧👦 since he’s married to Schaffer‘s sister), responded: “I wasn’t happy.” You don’t say! 😲 He then delivered a masterclass in understatement: “It is what it is, man. I’m not gonna dwell on that.” Right, because acknowledging the elephant 🐘 in the room might be, you know, awkward. He then pathetically defended Schaffer, saying he’s “done his time” and “apologized to people.” Oh, that makes it all better, then! 👍 It was just a “very unfortunate thing, a very unfortunate day in our history.” Gee, ya think? 🤦♀️ “So, hopefully we’re gonna move on from that at some point and people will have the forgiveness in their hearts and move on as well.” In other words, “Please forget my brother-in-law tried to overthrow the government. 🥺”
But the pièce de résistance? Barlow, in his infinite wisdom, declared that he keeps his political opinions to himself and wishes more musicians would do the same. Oh, the irony! 🤣 “I don’t try to influence people,” he proclaimed. “It’s not my place.” Tell that to the guy who spent years screaming about political conspiracies in ICED EARTH songs! 🤪 He doesn’t want to be “that guy” who spouts out his political beliefs. “You can look at my social media,” he boasted. “I don’t put anything on there about politics.” Because pretending it didn’t happen is totally a valid strategy. 👌 He then gave a lecture on separating “the art from the artist,” which is rich coming from someone who’s trying to rehabilitate his image after his bandmate went full QAnon. 🤡 Music is supposed to make people’s lives better, he pontificated. If it doesn’t, “then please move on to somebody else.” Well, thanks for the permission! ✌️
And just when you thought this trainwreck 🚝 couldn’t get any more absurd, it’s announced that ASHES OF ARES (remember them?) will be celebrating the 30th anniversary of ICED EARTH‘s “The Dark Saga” (a concept album about Spawn 😈, because why not?) with a European tour in September/October 2025. Because nothing says “moving on” like reliving the glory days of a band that’s now tainted by scandal. Vidales, who played with ICED EARTH from 2008 to 2012 (basically the wilderness years 🌵), is also involved. Because who else would be? 😂
ASHES OF ARES (still a thing?) released its fourth studio album, titled “New Messiahs” (because subtlety is for losers 😎), in Europe on July 18 and in North America on August 8 via ROAR! (exclamation point included, because they’re really, really excited! 🤪). Maybe if they scream loud enough, someone will actually listen. 👂
ICED EARTH played its final show with Barlow at the 2011 edition of the Wacken Open Air festival in Wacken, Germany. A fitting end to an era of mediocrity. 😴
Barlow announced his departure from ICED EARTH in March 2011, citing his commitment to his family and the need for ICED EARTH to tour more. Translation: “I’m outta here before this whole thing implodes. 💣”
Back in late 2020, Barlow reunited with Schaffer to celebrate the holiday season with an EP called “Winter Nights”. Released under the SCHAFFER/BARLOW PROJECT banner, the effort contained the duo’s unique spin on five Christmas classics and two ICED EARTH songs. Because nothing says “Christmas cheer” like a seditious insurrectionist! 🎅
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
