Oh honey, bless your heart, did you REALLY think Xbox was gonna ditch the console game? 🤣 Sarah Bond, the benevolent overlord of Xbox, had to come out and babysit all the panicky gamers who thought Microsoft was just gonna pack up their bags and go home after releasing a shiny new handheld. Newsflash: they’re still making consoles! Like, duh! 🙄
Following the earth-shattering release of the ROG Xbox Ally/X (because apparently, naming things is HARD), some folks actually thought Xbox was bowing out of the console wars. But fear not, peasants! Sarah Bond, in her infinite wisdom, graced Variety with her presence to reassure everyone that, yes, Virginia, there will be another Xbox. “We are 100 percent looking at making things in the future,” she proclaimed. Groundbreaking! Truly, a visionary statement for the ages. 🙄 We’re talking prototyping, designing, and a super-secret partnership with AMD! It’s all happening, people! But don’t get TOO excited, because they also want to sell you a handheld. Choices, choices! Isn’t capitalism grand? 🤑
Bondy went on to say that they are “always listening to what players and creators want. When there is demand for innovation, we’re going to build it.” Oh, really? So, you’re telling me if we demand Half-Life 3, Microsoft will swoop in and save the day? 🤔 Don’t get my hopes up, Sarah! Because promises are like pie crusts: easily made, easily broken. 💔
Of course, Xbox joined the console party way back in 2001, fashionably late as usual. While Sony, Nintendo, and SEGA were busy battling it out in the 80s, Microsoft was probably still trying to figure out how to make Windows not crash every five minutes. 🤷♀️ But hey, better late than never, right? Now, they’re a big player, whether you like it or not. Deal with it.
The whispers of Xbox’s demise started when they decided to charge more for Game Pass Ultimate. I mean, how DARE they try to make money? 💸 And then they teamed up with ASUS to make a handheld, and suddenly everyone thinks Xbox is just a PC company now? Get a grip, people! They bought Activision Blizzard for, like, a billion dollars! They’re not going anywhere! Besides, mass layoffs and game cancellations are just standard business practice. Nothing to see here! 🤫
Bond, bless her heart, wants to make sure everyone has “a choice.” Because nothing screams “choice” like being forced to choose between a ridiculously expensive console and a slightly less ridiculously expensive handheld. 😂 She even said they want to cater to the “power players who want the latest innovations.” You know, the kind of people who spend thousands of dollars on gaming rigs and then complain about the graphics. Gotta love ’em. ❤️
And then there’s the ROG Xbox Ally/X, which is apparently so amazing that it costs more than my first car. But hey, according to CGMagazine, it’s a “compelling option” for those who want an alternative to the Steam Deck. So, basically, it’s for people who have too much money and not enough sense. 🤡 This holiday season will be the ultimate test. Will gamers embrace the handheld revolution, or will they stick with the consoles they know and love? Only time will tell. But one thing’s for sure: Xbox isn’t going anywhere. So, buckle up, buttercups! The console wars are far from over. 😈
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
