OMG! 😱 DAVE MUSTAINE, the ginger overlord of MEGADETH, has graced us with his infinite wisdom (or maybe he just ran out of hair dye money 🤷♂️). Brace yourselves, metalheads, because he’s decided that MEGADETH’s next album (scheduled for early next year, probably delayed ’cause Dave can’t decide on the right shade of red for the cover) will be their LAST! 😭
Yes, you heard it right, the end of an era…or just another Tuesday in the Mustaineverse? 🤪 He announced this earth-shattering news through his puppet, Vic Rattlehead, because who needs a real spokesperson when you have a rusty skeleton dude? 💀 And hold onto your studded belts, kids, because they’re planning a “global farewell tour” in 2026! 🙄 Get ready to sell your kidneys for tickets! 💸 Oh, and because one announcement isn’t enough, there’s a new memoir coming too! 📚 Prepare for more tales of Dave’s glorious past, where everything was METALLICA’s fault. 🤥
“So many musicians finish their careers…blah blah blah,” says Dave, probably while polishing his ego. ✨ “Most of them don’t get to go out on top, but I am! 👑 Bow down to my greatness! 🙏 I’ve traveled the world, made millions of fans, and now I’m gonna make millions more on this farewell tour! 🤑 Saying goodbye is the hardest part…except maybe writing a song without mentioning politics. 🤔”
Dave (bless his heart) continues: “You HAVE to hear this album and see us on tour! It’s the perfect time for both! 💯 And the perfect time to announce our LAST STUDIO ALBUM! 🥳 Don’t worry, we’ll still milk your wallets dry with live albums and re-releases! 🐄 We’ve made so many friends (mostly lawyers, probably 🧑⚖️), and I hope to see you all on tour! Don’t be sad (unless you’re METALLICA), be HAPPY for us! 😀 Come celebrate our mediocre achievements with us! 🎉 We started a musical style (thrash, duh 🙄), a revolution (against Lars’ drumming 🥁), changed the guitar world (by making it more complicated than it needed to be 🤷♀️), and changed the world (one conspiracy theory at a time 👽)! I love you all for it! (Especially the ones who buy my merch! 😉) Thank you for everything (especially the money!💰).”
MEGADETH (aka Dave and some hired guns) have been “putting the finishing touches” on the album (aka arguing about the guitar solos 🎸). It’s being released on Mustaine’s “Tradecraft” imprint (because who needs a real label when you’re a control freak? 🤓) with some other label’s imprint (because even Dave needs help sometimes 🆘).
They’re working with Chris Rakestraw again (because why try new things? 🤷♂️). He worked on the last two albums (which were…albums 🤔). So expect more of the same! 🔁
Remember Kiko Loureiro? 👋 He left to be with his family (smart move 🧠). Now we have Teemu Mäntysaari, some Finnish dude nobody’s heard of (until now, obviously 🤘). He’s the new shredder (until Dave gets bored and fires him 🔥).
Teemu was born in Finland 🇫🇮 and started playing guitar at 12 (because that’s what you do when you’re Finnish and want to escape the cold 🥶). He was in WINTERSUN (who?) and SMACKBOUND (still don’t know them 🤷♀️).
“The Sick, The Dying… And The Dead!” (the last album title that tried too hard 🤕) sold 48,000 units (which is like, what, five people listening? 🤷♂️) and landed at No. 3 on the Billboard 200 (thanks to pity buys from die-hard fans 🙏). It was their eighth top 10 album (because Dave has been around since the dinosaurs 🦖).
MEGADETH also had some other albums in the top 10 (back when people bought music 💿). “Countdown To Extinction” (No. 2, 1992), “Youthanasia” (No. 4, 1994), “Cryptic Writings” (No. 10, 1997), “United Abominations” (No. 8, 2007), “Endgame” (No. 9, 2009), “Super Collider” (No. 6, 2013) and “Dystopia” (No. 3, 2016). (Who remembers all of these? 🙋♂️)
MEGADETH (led by the ginger one 👨🦰) are one of the “Big Four” (even though they’re clearly #4 🥉). Dave got kicked out of METALLICA (still not over it 🙄), met David Ellefson (who got kicked out later, lol 😂), and formed MEGADETH (a band that’s always been about Dave’s ego 🪞). They released “Killing Is My Business… And Business Is Good!” (which is kinda true 🤔) and “Peace Sells… But Who’s Buying?” (nobody, apparently 🤷♀️).
“So Far, So Good… So What!” featured a new lineup (because nobody can stand Dave for too long 🙅♂️), a SEX PISTOLS cover (because why not? 🤷♀️), and a song about censorship (because Dave loves to complain 🗣️). “Rust In Peace” featured Nick Menza (RIP 🙏) and Marty Friedman (who probably regrets joining MEGADETH 🤔). Songs like “Holy Wars… The Punishment Due” and “Hangar 18” were…songs (yep 👍).
“Countdown To Extinction” and “Youthanasia” made them famous (for a while 🌟). “À Tout Le Monde” was a “ballad” (if you can call it that 🤮). MEGADETH broke up (because Dave can’t play nice with others 🧸) and returned as a Dave solo project (surprise! 🎉). Ellefson rejoined (only to get fired again, ouch! 🤕).
The current lineup includes Dave (obviously 🙄), Dirk Verbeuren (the drummer), James LoMenzo (the bassist), and Teemu Mäntysaari (the new guy who’s probably already looking for a new job 💼).
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
