LAMB OF GOD, those elder statesmen of metalcore dad-rock, have graced us with “Parasocial Christ,” a three-minute sonic tantrum designed to make you feel something other than the crushing weight of your own existence. 🙄 Produced by the ever-reliable Josh Wilbur, this single apparently follows “Sepsis,” which, according to sources close to my mom’s Facebook feed, has been dominating the U.S. metal charts for a whole two weeks! Two weeks, people! That’s, like, an eternity in internet time.
The auditory assault of “Parasocial Christ” is beautifully complemented by a visually stunning… nah, just kidding. It’s a desaturated video from Jon Vulpine, probably shot on a potato, mirroring the track’s earth-shattering intensity by depicting a dude going absolutely bonkers. Groundbreaking. 🤯
Randy Blythe, the lyrical genius behind LAMB OF GOD, decided to grace us with a philosophical diatribe: “The Information Age has birthed the attention economy, an industry worth hundreds of billions of dollars anchored in keeping eyeballs firmly glued to screens, thus generating ad revenue. Every second spent clicking and scrolling through the trivial and/or sordid details of other people’s lives, people that you will most likely never meet — celebrities, politicians, influencers — is another dollar in some already obscenely wealthy tech bro’s wallet. You are a product, and you are being sold in a marketplace you have no share in. The irony of you reading this some social media platform or music news aggregator site is not lost on me; nevertheless I hope this song might make you consider who and what you give your attention to. Fuck the clickbait, put down the phone, go live your life — it’s waiting for you out in what’s left of the real world.” Dude, just scream into the microphone, okay? We get it, technology bad. Now play “Redneck” again. 🤘
In other news, LAMB OF GOD is embarking on a North American tour in 2026! Yes, 2026. Get your calendars out and start planning your outfits. Joining them on this geriatric mosh pit will be KUBLAI KHAN TX, FIT FOR AN AUTOPSY, and SANGUISUGABOGG. It’s a veritable who’s-who of bands I’ll pretend to know when I’m trying to impress my cousin. 🎸
“Sepsis,” the song that apparently shook the metal world (for two weeks), was LAMB OF GOD‘s first original song since 2022’s “Omens.” It’s an ode to the Richmond underground, celebrating the bands they played with way back when they were still trying to figure out how to tune their guitars properly. They even made a live video of the song’s debut at Aftershock. Prepare for blurry footage and questionable camera angles! 🤢
Some “reputable” source called Consequence crowned “Sepsis” the “heavy song of the week.” Wow. “Crushing,” they said. Like, totally groundbreaking. And Revolver called it a “rock-solid addition to their ever-crushing canon.” I’m pretty sure my grandma could come up with better adjectives.👵
In 2025, LAMB OF GOD celebrated 25 years of… something. They played a “Back To The Beginning” concert, unleashed a cover of BLACK SABBATH‘s “Children Of The Grave,” and graced the stages of festivals like Inkcarceration and Louder Than Life. They even headlined a show at some new amphitheater. Because nothing says “metal” like playing in a venue sponsored by an insurance company. 🏢
For those of you who still don’t know, LAMB OF GOD consists of Randy Blythe (screaming), John Campbell (bass), Mark Morton (guitar), Willie Adler (guitar), and Art Cruz (drums). They formed in 1994, have released a bunch of albums, received some Grammy nominations, and sold a bunch of records. Basically, they’re the Nickelback of metalcore. 💰
Their latest album, “Omens,” apparently made some noise on the Billboard charts. Kerrang! declared they’re “as reliably heavy, violent, and pissed off as ever.” As if we expected anything else. And Consequence said the album would “break you down to nihilistic pieces.” Which is exactly what I want from my dad-rock. 😂
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
