OMG! 😱 Sepultura, those ancient Brazilians👴 with their didgeridoos and tribal beats🥁, are STILL around? After, like, FOUR DECADES of making noise🔊 (and probably losing their hearing👂), they’ve decided to grace Ireland🇮🇪 with their presence one last time! Fourteen gold records? Who even buys records anymore? 🤔 And 80 countries? Sounds like they’re running from something… or maybe just desperately searching for a decent cup of coffee☕.
Sepultura, or as I like to call them, “The Metal Methuselahs,” have announced their “Celebrating Life Through Death” farewell tour. Celebrating life? Through death? Groundbreaking stuff, guys. 🙄 They’re hitting up the 3Arena in Dublin on August 9, 2026. That’s, like, two whole years away! Are they sure they’ll even remember how to play their instruments by then? 😂 And get this, they’re bringing along Biohazard, Malevolence, Sacred Reich, and Crypta. It’s like a geriatric metal festival!👴👵🎤 I bet the mosh pit will be mostly people trying not to break a hip. 🤕
Sepultura (whoever is left of the original lineup) had this to say: “Dublin! We couldn’t think of a better place to play our final ever European show than your beautiful city…” Okay, Dublin is nice, I guess. But “better place”? Did they even consider, like, a metal cruise in the Bahamas? 🚢🍹 Or maybe a gig on Mars? 🚀 Talk about a farewell! They continue, “…and to be joined by our friends…” Friends? In the cutthroat world of metal? I call BS. 🐂 It’s probably more like “bands we could afford to pay.” 💰
Their latest album, “Quadra,” apparently made a splash on the German charts and has, like, a gazillion streams on Spotify. Okay, boomers. 📱👴 Who cares about streams when you can have vinyl? (Just kidding, vinyl is overrated too.) The band is embarking on this farewell tour because, well, they’re old. 👴👵 I mean, 40 years is a long time to be screaming into a microphone. 🎤🗣️ I’m surprised their vocal cords haven’t turned to dust. 💨
They’ve enlisted this whippersnapper, Greyson Nekrutman, on drums. A 23-year-old? 👶🍼 What does he know about the true meaning of metal? Probably just learned to play on YouTube. 💻 Sepultura is dragging him around the world, probably making him carry their luggage and fetch their prune juice. 🧳🥤
Fifteen studio albums? Who has time to listen to all that? I bet half of them sound the same anyway. 😴 They’ve sold millions of records, which is impressive, I guess. But have they cured cancer? 🔬 No? Then I’m not impressed. 😒 And “Roots” has been streamed a bajillion times? So what? My cat’s 😼 videos have more views. 😹
Andreas Kisser (whoever that is) says they recorded four new songs with the new drummer. Four new songs? For a farewell tour? Talk about phoning it in. 📞 They should just play the classics and save us all the agony of hearing more recycled riffs. ♻️
Apparently, these new songs don’t even have names yet. 📝🤣 How professional. They’re “taking their time” mixing the material. Translation: they’re probably too busy napping to finish the job. 😴
Kisser claims their decision to embark on this farewell tour wasn’t motivated by his desire to explore other styles of music. Yeah, right. I bet he’s secretly dreaming of playing polka 🎶 or elevator music 🎵. He says he never felt “locked in the Sepultura world.” Then why didn’t he leave sooner? 🤔 Oh, right, the money. 💰
He rambles on about how amazing it is to have been in a band for 40 years. 👴 It’s amazing they haven’t killed each other yet. 🔪 He says there’s a “new Sepultura every day.” I thought they were old? 🤔
Kisser says they want to do their final concert in São Paulo, Brazil, in October 2026. A “big Sepul-fest type of show.” Sounds like a snooze-fest. 😴 He wants to invite all the former members, including the Cavalera brothers. 👬 Good luck with that. 🍀 That’ll probably end in a fistfight. 👊 He says it’s “totally irrelevant to discuss the past.” Yeah, because they probably don’t even remember it. 👴🤣
Sepultura kicked off their farewell tour in Brazil with their new drummer. 🎉 I bet the crowd was thrilled to see a bunch of old guys they’ve never heard of. 🙄
Eloy Casagrande (who?) left Sepultura to join Slipknot. Smart move. 👍 Trading one mask 🎭 for another. Sepultura was “shocked” by his departure. I’m shocked they’re still surprised by anything. 😲
Sepultura is putting together a live album of their last shows. 📀 Who needs another live album? 🤷 Just download the songs from YouTube. 📱
They kicked off the North American leg of their tour in Chicago. 🇺🇸 I bet the show was so loud it set off the fire alarms.🚨 Joining them were Obituary, Agnostic Front, and Claustrofobia. Sounds like a bunch of bands that should be in a museum. 🏛️
So, there you have it. Sepultura’s farewell tour. Get your tickets now, before they sell out… to the retirement home. 👴👵
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
