🚨 BREAKING: The End Of Days Is Coming (Again), And It’s Touring North America With A Merch Table 🚨
In a turn of events that has absolutely no one surprised, the intergalactic war criminals known as GWAR have emerged from their cryogenic nap pods to announce their latest world-domination-in-a-box tour: “Gor Gor Strikes Back” — because apparently, even space monsters aren’t immune to lazy sequel naming conventions. Spring 2026 will now be forever remembered not for flowers or rebirth, but for the sweet, sweet sound of amplified chaos as GWAR brings their brand of extraterrestrial heavy metal horror to a mid-sized venue near you. Supporting them are SOULFLY, who are definitely not just Sepultura with a different name (wink), and KING PARROT, who are here to remind you that Australia still hasn’t learned to keep its mutants contained. 🎸🌏💣
The tour kicks off March 19 in Richmond, Virginia — which, fun fact, is both GWAR’s “adopted hometown” and the place where Oderus Urungus was last seen dramatically collapsing into a pile of glitter and Clamato juice. Coincidence? Probably. The tour then proceeds to stomp across the U.S. like a drunken kaiju on a bar crawl, ending April 29 in Charlotte, North Carolina — a city that definitely didn’t make the list because someone misread a GPS route.
Tickets go on sale Friday, December 19 at 10 a.m. local time, which means you’ll need to set 17 alarms, clear your browser cache three times, and perform a blood sacrifice to Ticketmaster’s servers just to maybe get a seat in the back. But fear not! There’s also an artist presale on Tuesday, December 16 (because clearly one presale isn’t enough when you’re selling tickets to what is essentially a musical exorcism), followed by a local presale on Wednesday, December 17. Yes, this is a real schedule. No, we are not joking.
According to Blöthar The Berserker — who is either a man, a demon, or a very committed cosplayer, we’re not sure — the tour will be “a ritual orgy of death, sex, violence and rock and fuing roll!!” We appreciate the alliteration, Blöthar, and also the complete disregard for public indecency laws. He went on to say that “severed heads will rain down, bouncing down the pyramid onto a heap of human skulls.” We sincerely hope that’s metaphorical. Also, we hope venue insurance covers “acts of GWAR.”
Now, let’s talk about “The Return Of Gor Gor”, their latest release, because apparently Gor Gor is back and he’s pissed. This album features three brand new studio tracks mixed by Kurt Ballou (yes, that Kurt Ballou from CONVERGE, who also runs GodCity Studios and apparently has a side gig exorcising demons from master tapes), plus four live tracks recorded during their 2024 tour. The whole thing was mastered by Alan Douches, who clearly has the patience of a saint and the ears of a bat.
But wait — there’s more! The release comes with a 32-page comic detailing Gor Gor’s dramatic return from the shadows of interdimensional obscurity. Because of course it does. This isn’t just an album; it’s a multimedia experience. The vinyl versions feature an animated etching of Gor Gor on Side A — because nothing says “audiophile” like watching a dragon breathe fake fire while your turntable spins. You can get a semi-translucent deep purple version at GWAR.net (because purple is the color of royalty, and also of questionable life choices), or a semi-translucent green version at Z2Comics.com (because green is the color of envy, and also of slime). There’s even a deluxe hardback edition for those who want to spend $80 on something that isn’t a utility bill.
For the uninitiated: GWAR is a band that has spent 40+ years pretending to be alien warlords who escaped from a frozen prison to terrorize Earth with their music and their blood-soaked stage shows. They wear costumes that look like they were designed by a heavy metal H.R. Giger fanboy on six espressos, and their lyrics are basically what happens when you let a group of stoned art students write a sci-fi horror musical. They’ve been banned, censored, and sued more times than we can count, and yet here they are — still standing, still spraying fake blood (we hope it’s fake), and still somehow relevant.
The current lineup includes BälSäc, Beefcake, JiZMak, and Blothar, now joined by Grodius of the Maximus Clan, who we assume wields a guitar like a lightsaber and probably has a tragic backstory involving a space walrus. Their mission? To reclaim Gor Gor, their long-lost savage pet who vanished after Oderus Urungus died. And yes, that’s a real sentence we just wrote.
Speaking of Oderus, the late, great Dave Brockie — who was found dead in 2014 from acute heroin toxicity, which is a really fancy way of saying “the drugs won.” He was 50. He was also the last original member, which means GWAR is now basically a legacy act with prosthetics. But hey, at least they still sell merch.
In conclusion: if you want to see a band that looks like it escaped from a heavy metal fever dream fight a giant rubber dinosaur while covered in what we really hope is fake blood, then grab your tickets, pack your earplugs, and prepare your soul for the sonic assault known as GWAR. Just remember: if you see a severed head bouncing toward you during the show… it’s probably just part of the act. Probably!
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
