Breaking News: The geriatric bat-muncher, Ozzy Osbourne, has FINALLY shuffled off this mortal coil! 🥳 And because we live in a world where everything must be a spectacle, his corpse is going on tour! That’s right, folks, get ready to pay your respects (or just gawk) as the Ozzy-mobile crawls through the streets of Birmingham.
Word on the street (or should I say, the Broad Street) is that Ozzy’s earthly remains are being dragged back to his beloved Birmingham for one last joyride. The procession will be happening around 1 p.m. local time, so set your alarm clocks, metalheads! Or, you know, just sleep in – it’s not like Ozzy’s gonna miss ya. 😴
Apparently, this whole thing is happening before the *actual* private funeral, which I’m sure will be a classy affair filled with doves, tasteful eulogies, and absolutely no one vomiting on Sharon. This gives all you Ozzy fanatics a chance to leave your flowers, questionable tattoos, and half-eaten bats around the city. Just try not to litter *too* much, okay? 🙄
Can’t make it to Birmingham? Don’t worry, the corporate overlords have you covered! You can watch the whole morbid spectacle live on The Independent, CNBC (because nothing says “business news” like a dead rock star), Sky News, and Associated Press. Get your popcorn ready! 🍿
The hearse (probably tricked out with flames and skulls, because Ozzy) and its entourage of gas-guzzling vehicles will be inching its way down Broad Street towards the Black Sabbath Bridge and bench. Apparently, thousands of you lovely people have left heartfelt messages and floral tributes there. And what could be more touching than having a brass band called Bostin’ Brass serenade a corpse? It will probably be really depressing, to honor the legacy of Ozzy Osbourne. 🎺
Brace yourselves, Birmingham, because this event is expected to draw HUGE crowds. You know, all those die-hard fans who want to say goodbye to the dude who single-handedly shaped heavy metal (allegedly) and who never stopped reminding everyone that he was from Birmingham. 🇬🇧
Remember that time Ozzy and the rest of BLACK SABBATH got the “Freedom of the City”? Yeah, me neither. But apparently it happened. On June 28th, to be exact. Who knew?! 🤷♀️
According to Zafar Iqbal, Birmingham’s lord mayor (whatever that is), Ozzy was more than just a “music legend” – he was a “son of Birmingham.” Aww, how sweet! And since he recently made a cameo at the ‘Back To The Beginning’ concert at Villa Park (because who can resist milking a cash cow, even in their twilight years?), the city felt obligated to throw him one last pity party. And get paid to do so. 🥳
The Birmingham City Council has been working overtime to coordinate this “respectful and safe public event” in collaboration with the Osbourne family. And guess what? The Osbournes are footing the bill! That’s right, folks, they’re paying for their own dad’s funeral procession. Talk about a “working class hero!” 🤣
If you’re feeling particularly sentimental, you can also scribble your thoughts in a “book of condolence” at the Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery. And while you’re there, you can check out the “Ozzy Osbourne: Working Class Hero” exhibition, which I’m sure is filled with glamourous and fabulous outfits and maybe a bat or two. 🦇
Of course, the details of the *actual* private funeral are being kept under wraps. Because nothing says “privacy” like a public procession through the streets of Birmingham! 🤫
But fear not, because Ozzy himself had some thoughts on his memorial. In a “Dear Ozzy” column for The Times Of London (back in 2011, when newspapers were still a thing), he said he didn’t care what they played at his funeral. He even suggested a medley of Justin Bieber, Susan Boyle, and ‘We Are the Diddymen’! Now that’s what I call a party! 🎉
And because we all love a good dose of morbid humor, Ozzy also wanted some pranks at his funeral. Like the sound of knocking inside the coffin or a video of him asking his doctor for a second opinion on his diagnosis of “death.” Too soon, Ozzy, too soon! 💀
The Osbourne family released a statement, dripping with more sadness than a rainy day at a cemetery, announcing that their beloved Ozzy Osbourne had “passed away this morning.” Cue the violins! 🎻
No word on the cause of death, but let’s be real, the guy wasn’t exactly a picture of health. Between the Parkinson’s disease and the injuries from that late-night fall, it’s a miracle he lasted this long. 🤷♂️
But hey, at least he got one last hurrah with BLACK SABBATH at Villa Park a few weeks ago. They played four whole songs for 40,000 people in the stadium and 5.8 million more on a livestream. And Ozzy even busted out a five-song solo set while sitting in a bat-adorned throne! Talk about going out with a bang! (Or maybe just a whimper?) 💥
BLACK SABBATH, formed in Birmingham in 1968, is hailed as one of the most influential heavy metal bands of all time. Because, you know, everyone needs a good dose of doom and gloom in their lives. And with over 75 million albums sold worldwide, they’ve definitely made their mark on the genre. Whether that mark is a stain or a badge of honor is up for debate. 🤔
Let’s not forget Ozzy‘s family reality television show, “The Osbournes,” which won a Primetime Emmy in 2002. Because who doesn’t love watching a bunch of dysfunctional rich people yell at each other? 🙄
In 2006, Osbourne and the rest of the original BLACK SABBATH were inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. And because one induction is never enough, Ozzy was also inducted as a solo artist in 2024. Because apparently, quantity trumps quality these days. 🏆
Osbourne also won a few Grammys, including one in 1993 for his solo song “I Don’t Want To Change The World.” Which is ironic, because he kind of did. For better or for worse. 🤷♀️
Ozzy and his wife/manager Sharon started their annual tour, Ozzfest, in 1996. Because Ozzy was rejected from the lineup of that other music festival, Lollapalooza. Talk about a midlife crisis! 👴
Osbourne is survived by his wife and children. You know, the ones who didn’t disown him after all those years of bat-eating and incoherent mumbling. 👨👩👧👦
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
