Oh great, the geriatric metalheads HELLOWEEN are back to grace us with their presence (and another album we totally asked for). Their new sonic masterpiece, “Giants & Monsters”, is dropping on August 29 via Reigning Phoenix Music (RPM) – because who needs new bands when we can recycle the old ones? ♻️ This LP, which you can pre-order if you really have nothing better to do, is apparently following up their self-titled No. 1 album from 2021 (because apparently people still listen to HELLOWEEN in 2021). They’re promising it’s the most “versatile and dynamic” release of their entire career. Mixed at Wisseloord Studios (where IRON MAIDEN, JUDAS PRIEST, and DEF LEPPARD have also suffered), “Giants & Monsters” is allegedly going to “reaffirm HELLOWEEN’s position at the pinnacle of the metal world.” Yeah, right. 🙄
The second single, “Universe (Gravity For Hearts)”, which was apparently written by HELLOWEEN guitarist Sascha Gerstner, is supposed to be this “stunning, cinematic journey” that evokes the vast mystery of the cosmos. In reality, it’s probably just eight minutes of recycled riffs and high-pitched wailing that will make you question your life choices. 🚀 It’s supposed to remind us of the boundless possibilities beyond our world, but more likely, it will remind you of the boundless possibilities of finding a better band to listen to. The universe, according to the press release, is an endless expanse where you can get lost in thought. We agree! Especially when trying to decipher the lyrics of this song!
HELLOWEEN‘s latest single is allegedly a wild, emotional ride. But is it really? Or is it just a desperate attempt to stay relevant in a world that has moved on? 🤔 It’s also a “powerful reminder of something we too often forget: never stop dreaming.” Unless your dream is to never hear another HELLOWEEN song, in which case, stop dreaming now, because it ain’t happening anytime soon. 🤡
Gerstner apparently said, “Everything in the universe is connected, and what looks like infinite stars could in reality be moments, hearts, and choices.” Deep. So deep I almost drowned in my own sarcasm. 🤣
“Universe (Gravity For Hearts)” opens with some “spacey guitar work” and Michael Kiske‘s “signature high-pitched yet deeply soulful vocals.” Translation: Prepare for ear-piercing screeching over generic power metal riffs. 🙉 Then, a “thunderstorm of guitars, bass, and drums” launches the 8.5-minute epic into full motion. AKA, it’s loud, long, and probably boring. 😴 It’s a “high-speed musical escape from everyday life,” which is ironic, considering how slow and repetitive HELLOWEEN songs tend to be. It’s crafted in the “unmistakable style” that only these German metal legends can deliver. Which basically means it sounds like every other HELLOWEEN song you’ve ever heard. 🤷
Breathing room is apparently a “rare commodity” in HELLOWEEN‘s world. Their new track features “relentless drumming, intergalactic guitar tapping, and a jaw-dropping solo section.” So basically, it’s a wank-fest with no actual substance. 🎸 “Universe (Gravity For Hearts)” “confidently joins the ranks” of iconic long-form tracks like “Halloween”, “Keeper Of The Seven Keys”, and 2021’s “Skyfall”. In other words, it’s going to be just as long and drawn out as those songs, except probably not as good. 💀
“Giants & Monsters” allegedly “pushes the boundaries” of HELLOWEEN‘s sound. Thanks to the instincts of producers Charlie Bauerfeind and Dennis Ward, as well as the band’s “relentless pursuit of excellence.” In reality, it probably sounds exactly like every other HELLOWEEN album, but with a slightly different mix. 🎚️ Drummer Dani Löble recorded all tracks using three different drum kits. A testament to their attention to detail and love of experimentation, or just a sign that they have too much time and money on their hands? 💰
The band’s “chemistry continues to drive their success.” “What keeps motivating us is the fact that we’re extremely different. It generates creative energy,” says guitarist Michael Weikath. Translation: They’re all old and have different opinions, but they’re still making money, so who cares? 🤑 Guitarist/vocalist Kai Hansen adds: “We try not to take ourselves and everything around us too seriously.” Good, because no one else does either. 😂 Singer Andi Deris sums it up: “In the end, we’re just seven guys who want to make music and enjoy the incomparable force that arises when we’re together. HELLOWEEN is way more powerful than the sum of its parts.” More like, HELLOWEEN is way more overrated than the sum of its members’ talent. 🔥
Here is the track listing, in case you want to see what you’re missing out on (or not):
01. Giants On The Run
02. Saviour Of The World
03. A Little Is A Little Too Much
04. We Can Be Gods
05. Into The Sun
06. This Is Tokyo
07. Universe (Gravity For Hearts)
08. Hand Of God
09. Under The Moonlight
10. Majestic
In a recent interview with Hakos Pervanidis of the Metal Hammer Greece TV program, Deris and Hansen were asked if they agree that “Giants & Monsters” sounds “more focused and direct” than 2021’s self-titled effort. Hansen said: “Yeah, I would agree. I mean, we have diversity, but we’ve grown together as HELLOWEEN and the individual members, so you could hear the differences between the songs and the songwriters still, but there’s a straight red line. And we’re more connected now.” Translation: It’s still HELLOWEEN, but we’re trying to sound like we’ve evolved (but we haven’t). 🙄
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
