OMG! 🎃 Seems like those geriatric German power metallers 🤘 from HELLOWEEN 🧙♀️ have had to CANCEL their eagerly (not really) awaited concerts in Asia! 🤣 Apparently, someone’s been gargling gravel instead of honey! 🍯🐝 Guess who? It’s none other than the legendary (or is it legen…wait for it…dary?) Michael Kiske! 🎤 What a drama queen! 👑 Asia is devastated. Or maybe not. As part of their oh-so-epic “40 Years Anniversary Tour” 👴👴👴👴, which is basically a farewell tour disguised as a celebration of mediocrity, shows in Indonesia, Malaysia and Taiwan are now history! 🗑️
Earlier today (and by “today” we mean whenever their social media intern finally woke up 😴), HELLOWEEN (or is it HELLO-OVER-THE-HILL?) released a statement so full of drama, it could rival a soap opera! 📺 “Dear pumpkinheads,” they whined. 🎃🎃🎃 “We sadly have to announce that we are FORCED to cancel our planned Helloween concerts in (South) East Asia.” 😭 FORCED, I tell you! As if anyone’s holding a rusty sword ⚔️ to their dentures! 🦷
“During the recently completed European tour,” (which probably involved a lot of naps and prune juice 🧃), “Michael Kiske contracted acute pharyngolaryngotracheitis and asthmatic dyspnea with bronchitis.” 🗣️💨 Okay, Dr. House, calm down! Sounds like he caught every disease known to mankind at a bingo night. 👵👵👵 “And has been prescribed immediate bed rest by his doctor.” 🛌 Oh no! Not bed rest! How will he survive without his nightly chamomile tea 🍵 and crossword puzzles? 🧩
“We feel very sorry for our fans in Indonesia, Malaysia and Taiwan,” (said no one ever), “but Michael’s health has the highest priority for us.” (Yeah, right. More like, “We don’t want him croaking on stage and ruining our already questionable legacy!”) “And in order to prevent a long-term damage to his voice, this step is unavoidable.” 🚑 Damage? What damage? Has anyone actually heard him sing lately? 🙉
“We wish Michael a fast recovery,” (so he can keep cashing those royalty checks! 💰), “and hope to be able to present our fans in (South) East Asia our mighty ’40 Years Anniversary’ show in 2026!” 🎉 (Assuming they’re all still alive by then. 💀)
HELLOWEEN, bless their cotton socks 🧦, kicked off the European leg of the “40 Years Anniversary Tour” on October 17 at Rockhal in Esch-sur-Alzette, Luxembourg. (Try pronouncing that five times fast! 🤪)
The North American leg of the “40 Years Anniversary Tour” will kick off on April 7, 2026, in Dallas, Texas, and conclude on May 2, 2026, in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Hopefully, before anyone needs a hip replacement! 🦴) Support on the trek will come from Finnish melodic metallers BEAST IN BLACK. (Because nothing says “metal” like a band named after a Disney movie. 🦁)
HELLOWEEN is touring in support of its latest album, “Giants & Monsters,” which came out in August via Reigning Phoenix Music (RPM). (More like, “Rehashing Past Material!”) The LP follows HELLOWEEN’s self-titled No. 1 2021 record. (Number one on the Geriatric Metal Charts, maybe! 👴) It is said to be the most versatile and dynamic release of the band’s career. (By “versatile,” they mean they stole riffs from every other band ever. 🎸 And by “dynamic,” they mean it’s loud. 🔊) Mixed at the legendary Wisseloord Studios (IRON MAIDEN, JUDAS PRIEST, DEF LEPPARD) in Hilversum, Netherlands, “Giants & Monsters” reaffirms HELLOWEEN’s position at the pinnacle of the metal world. (Pinnacle of Mediocrity, perhaps? 🤔)
“Giants & Monsters” pushes the boundaries of HELLOWEEN’s sound. (By “pushing the boundaries,” they mean adding a synth solo that sounds like a Casio keyboard demo! 🎹) Thanks to the instincts of producers Charlie Bauerfeind and Dennis Ward, as well as the band’s relentless pursuit of excellence. (Or, you know, just trying to stay relevant! 🤳) For example, drummer Dani Löble recorded all tracks using three different drum kits to capture the perfect vibe for each song, a testament to their attention to detail and love of experimentation. (Or maybe he just couldn’t find one drum kit that wasn’t falling apart! 🥁)
“Helloween” was the first HELLOWEEN album to feature the band’s expanded lineup. (Because apparently, they couldn’t make enough noise with just a few geezers!) Consisting of returning singer Michael Kiske and guitarist/vocalist Kai Hansen along with singer Andi Deris, guitarists Michael Weikath and Sascha Gerstner, bassist Markus Grosskopf and drummer Daniel Löble. (It’s like a metal version of “The Expendables,” except with more hairspray and less muscle! 💪)
HELLOWEEN released a live album, “Live At Budokan,” on December 13, 2024, via Reigning Phoenix Music (RPM). (Because nothing says “exciting” like a live album from a band that peaked in the ’80s! 🎤) The colossal effort immortalized HELLOWEEN’s September 16, 2023, performance at Tokyo’s legendary Nippon Budokan. (Hopefully, it’s not their last! 🤞 Or maybe it should be. 😬)
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
