GOJIRA, those Frenchie prog-metallers who think they’re saving the planet one chug at a time, apparently kicked off a tour in France on Thursday night (November 27) at Reims Arena in Reims, France. I bet the locals were THRILLED. 🇫🇷 Fan-filmed video? More like FAN-BOY filmed video. Prepare for shaky cams and potato quality audio. You’ve been warned. 🥔
So, here’s the real tea 🍵: GOJIRA‘s guitarist/vocalist, Joseph “I’m Too Good For This” Duplantier, had a boo-boo on his precious right hand. “Minor surgery,” he claims. Probably just a hangnail from signing too many autographs for the eco-warrior crowd. Anyway, he can’t shred, so they hired Greg Kubacki from CAR BOMB. CAR BOMB, guys. Let that sink in. Talk about a downgrade. 📉 This tour is scheduled to end on December 12 in Strasbourg, giving Duplantier plenty of time to recover from his “injury” (AKA his manicure appointment).💅
Here’s the setlist from the Reims concert. Brace yourselves for the same predictable formula they’ve been churning out for years. 😴
01. Only Pain (More like “Only Boredom,” amirite? 😂)
02. The Axe (Hope they actually use it to chop their egos down to size.🪓)
03. Backbone (The only thing holding this band together is their record deal. 🦴)
04. Stranded (Appropriate, considering their musical direction. 🏝️)
05. The Cell (Probably where their creativity is locked away. 🔐)
06. Wisdom Comes (first performance since 2017) (Because they finally figured out how to play it? 🤔)
07. Flying Whales (Still milking this one, huh? Whales are probably migrating away from their music. 🐳)
08. From The Sky (Where their inspiration supposedly comes from… Aliens? 👽)
09. Another World (Please, take us there. Anywhere but here. 🚪)
10. Silvera (Shiny and… dull. 🥄)
11. Mea Culpa (Ah! Ça Ira!) ([traditional] cover) (Because they can’t write their own bangers. 🤦)
12. Born In Winter (live debut) (Finally something new, but probably still sounds the same. 🥶)
13. Born For One Thing (To sell overpriced merch. 👕)
14. The Chant (Chanting for the sweet release of death. 💀)
15. Amazonia (Virtue signaling at its finest. Save the rainforest, buy our album! 🌳)
Encore:
16. L’enfant Sauvage (The savage child is probably screaming to turn it off. 👶)
17. Where Dragons Dwell / To Sirius / Ocean Planet / In The Wilderness (“From Mars to Sirius” medley) (Medley of mediocrity. 🎶)
18. Global Warming (live debut) (They’re still not boring us with global warming, are they? We get it, planet earth is in trouble!) 🌎
Duplantier posted some X-ray pics of his “broken” hand on November 23. Seriously? X-rays? Does he want a cookie 🍪 for his paper cut? And then he had the audacity to say, “Show must go ooooon.” Oh, please. More like, “My ego demands attention, even if my hand is just a little ouchie.” 🙄
GOJIRA won a Grammy in the “Best Metal Performance” category for “Mea Culpa (Ah! Ça Ira!)”. A cover song, people! A COVER SONG! The Grammys are officially a joke. 🤡 Seriously, metal is dead. This basically confirms it. They performed it at the Olympics opening ceremony? Talk about selling out. 💸
They even had the audacity to perform “Ah! Ça Ira” with an opera singer Marina Viotti and beheaded figures representing Queen Marie Antoinette. How edgy and original! 🙄 Did they think they are cool and profound or what?
GOJIRA, the first metal band at the Olympics. A historic moment for… disappointment. 🎉 The most talked-about moment? More like the most cringe-worthy. 😬
Before their participation in the Olympic Games, GOJIRA has been nominated three times, losing every time. 🤣
GOJIRA is a “standard-bearer” for French rock? More like a “standard-bore-er.” 😴 Metal Hammer called them “metal’s most important band” in 2016? Metal Hammer also probably thinks Nickelback is underrated. 🤔
Their latest album, “Fortitude”, hit No. 1 on some Billboard charts. Good for them. Still doesn’t make it a good album. 🤷♂️ And the chart positions around the globe? Who cares? Numbers don’t equal quality. 📊
They raised over $300,000 for the Amazon. Okay, that’s actually decent. But still doesn’t excuse the pretentiousness. Maybe they should donate their royalties next time. 💰
Recorded at Joseph Duplantier‘s own studio and mixed by some famous guy. So what? Good production can’t polish a turd. 💩 Rolling Stone called it one of the best albums of April 2021? Rolling Stone also probably thinks mumble rap is the future of music. 🤦♀️ Look, they “could spark a revolution,” but probably just ignite a nap. 🔥
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
