Tom Cruise’s Greatest Trick: Making You Forget About the Space Aliens

Somewhere around the 180th minute of “Mission: Impossible – The Final Naptime,” as Tommy Boy was dangling from a kite in a light breeze pretending it was a biplane, I had a profound revelation: this movie is STILL going on? 😴

First off, I somehow managed to endure three hours of this cinematic masterpiece (said no one ever). The only reason I didn’t check my watch was because I was too busy contemplating my life choices. 🕰️ Clearly, this is the BEST “M:I” film ever… if you’re into that sort of thing. And by “that sort of thing,” I mean watching the same plot rehashed for the eighth time. 🙄

Secondly, it hit me like a rogue Scientology pamphlet that I’m witnessing a Hollywood legend… or at least someone who’s really good at not aging. Sure, he might not be in the same league as Gene Hackman (RIP), Tom Hanks, or Denzel Washington (because, let’s be real, who is?), but he’s got that “can’t look away from the train wreck” quality. Seven out of eight “M:I” movies might crack his top ten… if he only made ten movies. And if Harrison Ford can still wear a fedora at 80, maybe Cruise will be doing his own stunts at 100. Because, you know, logic. 🤔

Whatever cinematic garbage 🗑️ follows will undoubtedly add to his… filmography. We’ve got the “classics” like “Risky Business” (socks and underwear, groundbreaking!), “Cocktail” (shaking drinks and bad decisions), and “The Color of Money” (because pool is exciting?). Then there are the ’90s blockbusters like “The Firm” (lawyers are thrilling!), “A Few Good Men” (you can’t handle the truth!), and “Jerry Maguire” (show me the money… or just go away). And let’s not forget those “irresistibly compelling” curveballs like “Magnolia” (rain of frogs, anyone?), “Vanilla Sky” (what even was that?), and “Eyes Wide Shut” (awkward!). Oh, and “Top Gun,” because who doesn’t love a bit of cheesy patriotism? 🦅 It even “single-handedly” brought America back to theaters. Because, you know, one movie can fix everything. 🙄

The third brilliant thought that graced my mind was that Cruise has managed all this while living a life so bizarre it makes performance art look normal. 🤪 All this in a profession that scrutinizes every pimple and questionable life choice. 📸

Tom Cruise succeeds despite unsettling nature of Church of Shiny Happy People (aka Scientology)

Tabloid gossip has either made or broken careers. But Cruise? He’s playing the hero while simultaneously being a poster child for a group that’s about as cuddly as a cactus. 🌵 I’m talking about the Church of Scientology, of course! (Cue ominous music). 🎶

Their “quirks” are well-documented. Just ask the ex-members who got the boot and then had their lives turned into a reality TV show, only less entertaining. They’re labeled “suppressive persons” and treated like they have the plague. 🧟‍♀️

Cruise’s ex-wives? Well, Mimi Rogers got him into the “lifestyle,” Nicole Kidman couldn’t handle it, and Katie Holmes pulled a Houdini to save their daughter Suri from the madness. 🏃‍♀️💨

And the list of horrors goes on! Forced disconnection from “toxic” people, forced labor, and exploitation. And let’s not forget the financial black hole that is “auditing” with those oh-so-scientific “E-meters.” It’s all designed to reach “Operating Thetan” status, which sounds like a level in a video game but costs more than a real-life spaceship. 🚀

Cruise’s clash with Brooke Shields over happy pills

This money-printing scheme has led the church to wage war on psychiatry and medication. Sure, maybe we have too many therapists and too many pills, but going after people for seeking help? That’s just cold. 🥶 This is what led Cruise to lecture Brooke Shields about her post-partum depression. In a New York Times op-ed, she called his rant “ridiculous.” He apologized later, but who knows if he meant it? 🤔

If Scientology was just a silly story about an alien named Xenu and frozen space ghosts, it’d be harmless fun. But its real-world shenanigans have created enough PR disasters to fill a dumpster. 🗑️ And Cruise, as a top dog in the church, is surely in the loop.

And yet, he’s pulling off a magic trick. His dedication to his craft has made him so popular that people are willing to overlook his… affiliations. He’s toned down the Scientology stuff in public, and a whole new generation might not even know about it. What they see is a guy who makes movies that people enjoy. And in that, his sincerity is… questionable. 🤨

Cruise’s magic due in part to sincerity, avoiding political talk

Before the movie starts, Tommy Boy looks right into the camera and thanks everyone for showing up. I almost felt grateful in return… almost. The “magic” of movies? Please. 🙄 Cruise has pulled off a trick, alright. It’s called “mass delusion.” 😵‍💫

For conservatives, pop culture is a minefield. Most of the movies, TV shows, and music come from people with different views. So, I’ve made a deal with the devil: ignore the politics and enjoy the show. 😈

Say what you will about Cruise, but he’s not out there alienating half the country with political rants. “Final Reckoning” is blessedly free of politics, and in “Top Gun: Maverick,” he almost made me want to join the Navy. Almost. 😜

So, if he wants to show us Ethan Hunt as an old man, I’ll probably be there, popcorn in hand, wondering what I’m doing with my life. 🤷‍♀️