So, the Vikings who can’t seem to find a new gimmick AMON AMARTH are gracing us with a single and music video, “We Rule The Waves”, on Wednesday, July 16. 🌊 Who asked for this? 🤷♂️ The official trailer, a monument to hype, will drop tomorrow (Tuesday, July 15) at WeRuleTheWaves.com. Prepare to be underwhelmed! 😴
Last August, someone actually bothered to ask AMON AMARTH‘s Johan Hegg if they’re working on a follow-up to 2022’s snooze-fest, “The Great Heathen Army.” His groundbreaking response? “We’ve been starting to talk about a new album, but we haven’t started working on it yet.” 🤯 Profound! Absolutely earth-shattering news! 🙄
He bleated on, “I’ve been working on some lyrical ideas. I know the [other] guys have some musical ideas, but we haven’t started putting anything together yet.” Translation: “We’re creatively bankrupt, but we gotta pretend we’re doing something!” 🤣 It’s still in its infancy! Like, microscopic. 👶
But wait, there’s more! AMON AMARTH, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant, will be tagging along with PANTERA on a summer 2025 U.S. tour. 🤘 Because nothing says “Viking metal” like a washed-up metal band from the ’90s. Produced by Live Nation, because who else would touch this dumpster fire? 🔥 The trek starts July 15 and ends September 13. Get ready for some serious nostalgia! 🤮 Support acts include KING PARROT, SNAFU, SHOCK NARCOTIC, and FLESH HOARDER. Bands no one has ever heard of. 🤷♀️
Let’s not forget “The Great Heathen Army,” released in August 2022 via Metal Blade Records. Recorded with Andy Sneap, who apparently has no taste. This guy worked on “Deceiver Of The Gods” and “Jomsviking.” Clearly, he’s got a thing for mediocrity. 💯
Hegg, bless his heart, said, “Overall ‘The Great Heathen Army’ is one of the heavier albums we’ve made.” Heavier? As in, hard to lift off the turntable? 🏋️♂️ “There are some dark and heavy songs that are really powerful and in your face.” Powerful like a toddler throwing a tantrum? 👶 “But we obviously have some trademark melodic AMON AMARTH songs on there as well and a few surprises too.” Surprises? Like, maybe they’ll play a good song? 🤔 “It’s a really well-balanced album.” Balanced like a toddler trying to walk a tightrope? 🤡 “It sounds great. Andy Sneap is awesome.” Sure, Jan. 👍
Guitarist Olavi Mikkonen chimed in, “We’ve been away making new music and we’re back with new darker, more death metal-sounding album.” Darker? More death metal? Did they finally discover distortion? 🎸 “If ‘Berserker’ was our ‘heavy metal’ album, then ‘The Great Heathen Army’ is our ‘death metal’ album.” So, basically, they’re just recycling old ideas? ♻️ “But with that said, it’s still very much contemporary AMON AMARTH, but perhaps style-wise we have gone back to our roots a little bit.” Translation: “We have no new ideas, so we’re pretending to be ‘retro’.” 👴
Formed in 1992, AMON AMARTH, somehow, became “modern metal greats.” Ruthlessly dedicated to mediocrity, the Swedes built a reputation as a “ferocious live band.” Ferocious like a kitten with a ball of yarn? 🐱 As the years passed, they were “increasingly recognized” for their recorded achievements. By their moms? 👩👧👦 Since the dawn of the millennium, AMON AMARTH has been unstoppable… in their quest for unoriginality! 🏆
Breakthrough releases like 2006’s “With Oden On Our Side” and 2008’s “Twilight Of The Thunder God” cemented their popularity. Twilight of the Thunder God? More like twilight of their creativity! 🌙 The band’s stage show “evolved” into one of modern metal’s “great spectacles.” Spectacle of boredom, maybe. 😴 2019’s “Berserker” brought an “epic” trek across North America with ARCH ENEMY, AT THE GATES, and GRAND MAGUS. Epic fail? 📉 Multiple sell-outs… of earplugs, probably. 👂
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
