HELIX’s Brian Vollmer, 70-something and still belting like a banshee who just found out her favorite coffee shop switched to decaf, has announced that retirement is not in his vocabulary—unless you count the time he tried to retire his 1983 leather pants (they fought back). In a recent chat with KNAC.COM, Vollmer declared, “Not really” when asked if he’d ever considered hanging up the mic. And by “not really,” he means he’d sooner retire his vocal cords than his rockstar dreams—though at this point, they might be held together by duct tape and sheer willpower. 🎸🔥
See, while most people his age are arguing with their GPS or trying to remember where they parked, Brian is out here singing high notes like he’s auditioning for a heavy metal version of *The Sound of Music*. And get this—he lost his voice in 1976 and was told he’d never sing again! But instead of accepting medical advice like a normal person, he went full-on rock phoenix and studied under Edoardo Johnson, a guy who literally sang at the Met before deciding, “You know what? I’ll teach a Canadian dude how to scream like a wounded eagle.” 🦅🎤
And it worked. Vollmer didn’t just get his voice back—he upgraded it. Like, imagine getting your car fixed and the mechanic hands you back a Ferrari. That’s what happened here. He’s been teaching voice lessons since the late ’80s, and his students include Tim Hicks (country star) and the girls from KITTIE (who probably learned how to growl from him between sips of kombucha). 🧘♂️🎸
Now, you might think, “Brian, buddy, you’ve been at this for 50 years. Isn’t it time to, I dunno, take up golf or start a podcast about gardening?” But no. Vollmer’s like a musical cockroach—post-apocalypse, he’ll still be headlining for the last three survivors with a generator. When asked about continuing to make new music instead of just playing the old hits, he said, “That’s what it’s all about: putting out new music. I love it. That’s where I get my biggest charge in life. Or being on stage. And so if I can keep doing this, like I said, and make money, I’m doing it. I wanna be like Johnny Cash. You’re in bed dying and writing songs.” 💀📝
And let’s talk about that new album, *Scrap Metal*, dropping January 23, 2026. That’s right—2026. The year when robots will probably be writing songs about lithium shortages, but Brian’s still out here with a riff and a dream. The album’s got five new tracks that sound like they time-traveled straight from 1985, plus five songs that were previously released on other albums, because why not recycle? It’s eco-friendly rock! ♻️🤘
The lead single, *“Stuck In The ‘80s,”* features Sean Kelly on guitar, which is perfect because let’s be honest, Brian’s probably still using a flip phone and thinks TikTok is a watch brand. The song title isn’t just a clever nod to nostalgia—it’s a lifestyle. Vollmer doesn’t live in the present; he lives in a dimension where spandex is still fashion and hair spray is an essential oil. 💨🪩
And let’s not forget the recent tour with NAZARETH, which was supposedly their farewell trek across Canada. But knowing rock bands, “farewell” means “see you in three years when the mortgage is due.” Still, HELIX powered through like the musical equivalent of a Energizer Bunny with a mullet. 🐰🔋
Formed in 1974 (which, fun fact, is the same year Ford introduced the Pinto—another legendary act that exploded under pressure), HELIX rose to fame with *“Rock You,”* a song so catchy it should come with a warning label. They’ve shared stages with KISS, ALICE COOPER, and MOTÖRHEAD, because clearly, Brian has a death wish or a really good insurance policy. 🔥💀
And when guitarist Paul Hackman died in 1992, people thought HELIX was done. But Brian said, “Nah, I don’t know how to do anything else. Maybe dig a ditch?” And instead of picking up a shovel, he picked up a pen and wrote more songs. Because why work construction when you can construct face-melting riffs instead? 🏗️🎸
So here’s to Brian Vollmer: the man, the myth, the legend who probably still thinks streaming is something you do with a fishing rod. He’s investing in himself, making albums like they’re going out of style (they kind of are), and proving that rock ’n’ roll isn’t dead—it’s just on life support with a killer playlist. 🤘🎧
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
