Oh great, another Spider-Man movie 🙄. As if we needed more of Tom Holland in spandex, desperately trying to convince us he’s still a teenager. News flash, Tommy boy: you’re pushing 30! But hey, at least this time they’re ditching the CGI-fest of “No Way Home” (more like “No Way I’m Watching That Again”) and going “old school.” Does that mean black and white film? I wish!
According to an “interview” (probably just Tom rambling while hopped up on caffeine) with some obscure YouTube channel called “Flip Your Wig,” Holland claims they’re actually going to film in real locations this time. Gasp! 😲 No more green screens? Does this mean the special effects budget got slashed? Probably! I mean, who even watches Christopher Nolan movies anyway? 😴
“I think we were really restricted with what we could do in the last movie because of Covid,” Holland whined. “We shot the entire film on stages.” Oh, poor baby! 😭 Was it hard pretending to be Spider-Man in a controlled environment? Cry me a river! 🌊 Now they’re unleashing the Spidey menace on the unsuspecting streets of Glasgow. Good luck to them. They are going to need it. 🍀 I hope that the streets are ready for some mediocre action sequences and even worse dialogue. 🎭
Holland also gushed about playing his “old pal” Peter Parker. 🙄 Yeah, because acting is totally like hanging out with your bros. I bet he and Zendaya spend hours practicing their web-slinging poses in the mirror. Narcissists!🪞
Remember when Holland teased that “Spider-Man: Brand New Day” will be a “fresh start?” 😂 Yeah, right. “Fresh start” is Hollywood code for “we ran out of ideas.” Peter Parker sacrificing his identity? More like sacrificing my brain cells!🧠
Apparently, the guy who directed that totally forgettable “Shang-Chi” movie is at the helm. So, get ready for more generic superhero action! 👊 I’m sure it will be very diverse and woke.🌈
And hold on to your hats, folks, because Sadie Sink from “Stranger Things” is joining the cast in a “yet-to-be-disclosed role.” So, she is going to be playing Mary Jane then? I heard she is dating Tom Holland. 💘 Is she going to be the new love interest for Spider-Man or another unnecessary sidekick? Place your bets! 💰
But wait, there’s more! Jon Bernthal, AKA the Punisher, is FINALLY making the leap from streaming to the big screen. Is this because Netflix cancelled all the Marvel shows? Does this mean we’re finally going to get a decent action scene with lots of blood and violence? Probably not. This is a Disney movie, after all. 🐭 Expect the Punisher to be reduced to a PG-13 joke machine. 🤡
Mark your calendars, everyone, because “Spider-Man: Brand New Day” is scheduled to hit theaters on July 31, 2026. 🗓️ That’s right, we have YEARS to prepare ourselves for this cinematic masterpiece (or train wreck, more likely).
In the meantime, I’m going to go re-watch the Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies. At least those had some personality. 🕷️
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
