OMG! 😱 Did anyone REALLY ask for this? GUNS N’ ROSES, those geriatric rockers, are apparently still touring in 2026. After their “sprawling” (read: exhausting for everyone involved) 2025 world tour, they’ve decided to inflict more of their “music” on Europe, the Middle East, Asia, and Latin America. And now, AGAIN in 2026, because who needs new material when you can just recycle the same old screeching for another paycheck? 💰 They’re hitting Mexico, Brazil, and then, God help us, the U.S. and Canada. Oh, and a “historic” return to the Rose Bowl after 30 years? More like a desperate attempt to relive their glory days. 👴🎸 #GNR #GeriatricRock #StillAtIt #PleaseStop
Want to throw your money away early? 💸 You can “participate” in the GUNS N’ ROSES “artist” presale on Wednesday, December 3 at 10 a.m. local time. All you have to do is sell your soul and sign up by Monday, December 1 at 11:59 p.m. ET. No codes needed! Just a severe lack of taste and judgment. Your Ticketmaster account is all you need, because Ticketmaster loves milking your bank account dry. 🐄 Nightrain fan club members (do those even exist anymore?) get “first access,” which probably means they get to pay even MORE for the privilege. Additional presales? Because one wasn’t enough! Check local listings at gunsnroses.com for more ways to waste your time and money. 🤷♀️ #PresaleMadness #TicketmasterSucks #NightrainWho?
If you’re truly dedicated to self-destruction, consider the VIP packages. 👑 For a mere fortune, you can get “premium tickets” (closer to the stage to better hear Axl’s vocal cords shred), a “behind the scenes tour” (probably just a glimpse of their backstage dentures), an “invitation to the pre-show VIP Lounge” (where you can mingle with other delusional fans), and “limited-edition merch” (aka overpriced garbage). VIP package contents “vary,” because transparency is overrated. More info at vipnation.com, where your dreams of mediocrity come true. ✨ #VIPScam #WasteOfMoney #DelusionalFans
In a desperate attempt to justify this tour, GUNS N’ ROSES will release TWO new songs: “Nothin'” and “Atlas”. 🎶 Groundbreaking, right? (Spoiler alert: it’s not). These “vital additions” join “The General” and “Perhaps” (songs so forgettable, you probably already forgot they existed). But hey, at least they’ll fill up the setlists between the “classic hits” and “deep cut fan favorites” (aka the same songs they’ve been playing for 40 years). Thank you, Geffen Records, for enabling this nonsense. 🙏 #NewMusicWhoDis #SameOldGNR #GeffenExploitation
This tour announcement conveniently arrives after the release of their deluxe “Live Era ’87-’93” boxset. 💿 Because nothing says “relevant” like rehashing your ancient history! “Remastered audio and revamped art”? More like a desperate cash grab. Sure, “Live Era” captures GN’R in their “younger days” (when they could still hit the high notes), but let’s be real: they’re about as “ferocious” as a kitten these days. 😹 #LiveEra #NostalgiaBait #CashGrab
With festival appearances in Mexico, Brazil, and the U.K., this 31-date tour is a global catastrophe. 🌍 They’re hitting Poland, Ireland, the Netherlands, Germany, Belgium, and France, because everyone deserves to suffer. Then, they’re back to North America for more punishment. Tickets are available at gunsnroses.com, if you hate yourself. Check the full tour schedule below for maximum cringe. 😬 #GlobalDominationOfMediocrity #TourOfTorture
2026 tour dates (if you dare to look):
March 28 – Monterrey, Mexico – Tecate Pa’l Norte*
April 1 – Porto Alegre, Brazil – Estádio Beira Rio
April 4 – São Paulo, Brazil – Monsters Of Rock*
April 7 – São José do Rio Preto, Brazil – Alberto Bertelli Lucatto
April 10 – Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Engenhao
April 12 – Vitoria, Brazil – Estádio Estadual Kleber José de Andrade
April 15 – Salvador, Brazil – Arena Fonte Nova
April 18 – Fortaleza, Brazil – Arena Castelão
April 21 – Sao Luiz, Brazil – Estádio Governador João Castelo “Castelão”
April 25 – Belém do Para, Brazil – Estadio Olimpico do Para “Mangueirão”
May 5 – Hollywood, FL – Hard Rock Hollywood
May 7 – Daytona Beach, FL – Welcome To Rockville *
June 4 – Gliwice, Poland – PreZero Arena Gliwice
June 6 – Gliwice, Poland – PreZero Arena Gliwice
June 10 – Dublin, Ireland – 3Arena
June 12 – Donington, UK – Download *
June 14 2026
June 18 – Amsterdam, Netherlands – Ziggo Dome
June 20 – Amsterdam, Netherlands – Ziggo Dome
June 23 – Berlin, Germany – Uber Arena
June 25 – Berlin, Germany – Uber Arena
June 28 – Antwerp, Belgium – AFAS Dome
July 1 – Paris, France – Accor Arena
July 3 – Paris, France – Accor Arena
July 23 – Raleigh, NC – Cater-Finley Stadium
July 26 – Saratoga Springs, NY – Saratoga Performing Arts Center
July 29 – Tinley Park, IL – Credit Union 1 Amphitheatre
August 1 – Hershey, PA – Hersheypark Stadium
August 5 – Toronto, ON – Rogers Stadium
August 8 – Shakopee, MN – Mystic Lake Amphitheater
August 12 – East Rutherford, NJ – MetLife Stadium
August 16 – St. Louis, MO – Busch Stadium
August 19 – Kansas City, MO – Morton Amphitheater
August 22 – Las Vegas, NV – Allegiant Stadium
August 26 – Edmonton, AB – Commonwealth Stadium
August 29 – Vancouver, BC – BC Place
September 2 – San Diego, CA – Snapdragon Stadium
September 5 – Pasadena, CA – Rose Bowl
September 9 – Arlington, TX – Globe Life Field
September 12 – Ridgedale, MO – Thunder Ridge Nature Arena
September 16 – San Antonio, TX – Alamodome
September 19 – Atlanta, GA – Truist Park
* Festival appearance (where you can see other, better bands)
GUNS N’ ROSES apparently “endure” as the “most dynamic, dangerous, and definitive American rock band in history.” 🙄 Sure, Jan. More like the most stubborn and unwilling to retire. #DelusionalSelfImage #EndOfAnEra
Their “landmark diamond-selling” “Appetite For Destruction” is still being shoved down our throats as “the best-selling U.S. debut album ever.” We get it, it was good… 40 years ago! “Use Your Illusion I” and “Use Your Illusion II” clinched the top two spots on Billboard? Impressive… in 1991. 100 million units sold? Mostly to people who regret it now. And let’s not forget the “classics” like “GN’R Lies”, “The Spaghetti Incident?”, and “Chinese Democracy”… albums that prove even legends can make mistakes. They were also inducted into the Grammy Hall Of Fame, because the Grammys are always on the cutting edge (not). 🤦♀️ #Overrated #NostalgiaIsntWhatItUsedToBe
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
