Resident Evil Requiem: GOTY? More Like GOOFY

Alright, gamers, gather ’round! The Gamescom Award 2025 nominees are HERE, and let me tell you, the suspense is palpable…mostly because I’m trying not to laugh at some of these choices. 😂 We’ve got an international jury of “top games journalists and content creators,” which basically means your mom and that guy who streams himself eating hot peppers while playing *Fortnite*. But hey, their opinions matter…apparently. 🙄 And CGM’s Editor-in-Chief, Brendan Frye, is one of them, so you KNOW this is legit…or something. 😉

The nominees are battling it out in ARTS, PLATFORM, and GLOBAL categories. Resident Evil Requiem is leading the pack with five nominations. Five! 😱 For what, though? Best Visuals? I’m sure the blurry textures and jump scares are truly groundbreaking. Best Audio? Probably just the same zombie moans we’ve heard for the last two decades. 😴 Best Gameplay? I’m betting it involves more tank controls and inventory management than actual fun. Most Epic? Is that even a real category? 🤔

Borderlands 4 and Crimson Desert each snagged four nominations. *Borderlands 4*? More like *Boringlands 4*, am I right? 🤣 And *Crimson Desert*? Never heard of it. Must be groundbreaking. NOT. *Donkey Kong Bonanza*, *Hela*, and *Mario Kart World* each got three. *Donkey Kong Bonanza*? Sounds like a barrel of laughs…literally. I bet it’s just more of the same old platforming, but with slightly shinier bananas.🍌 *Mario Kart World*? Oh goodie, another *Mario Kart* game. Because we didn’t have enough of those already. 🙄

In the PLATFORM category, we’ve got *Borderlands 4* (again, seriously?), *Crimson Desert* (still no idea what that is), and *Towa and the Guardians of the Sacred Tree*. *Towa*? Sounds like a reject from a Ghibli movie. 🌳

The GLOBAL categories have been “expanded” for 2025. They now include Best Lineup, Best Booth (Jury Award), and Best Business Booth. Wow, groundbreaking stuff! 🏆 But wait, there’s more! We also have Best Trailer/Announcement, Best Merch, and Best Booth (Consumer Award), which are decided by the “community.” Translation: whoever has the most bots wins.🤖

Gamescom kicks off tomorrow with the Opening Night Live presentation. Be prepared for awkward presentations, cringe-worthy jokes, and a whole lot of games you’ll forget about by next week.😴 Voting is available online or via QR code. So, if you’re feeling particularly bored, go ahead and waste your time.

Here’s the list of nominees for the Gamescom Award 2025:

ARTS Category Group

Best Visuals

*Borderlands 4* – Gearbox Software / 2K (Still milking that cash cow, eh?) 🐮
*Bye Sweet Carole* – Little Sewing Machine / Maximum Entertainment (Sounds terrifying, probably looks worse.) 🧵
*Crimson Desert* – Pearl Abyss (Seriously, what IS this game?) 🤷‍♀️
*MIO: Memories In Orbit* – Douze Dixièmes / Focus Entertainment (Sounds like a screensaver from 1995.) 💾
*Resident Evil Requiem* – Capcom Entertainment (Because zombies have never looked so…pixelated?) 🧟

Best Audio

*Cairn* – The Game Bakers (Is this about rocks? I’m bored already.) 🪨
*Little Nightmares 3* – Supermassive Games / Bandai Namco Entertainment (More like little sleep-inducing nightmares.) 😴
*Phantom Blade Zero* – S-Game (Sounds edgy. Probably is.) 🔪
*Resident Evil Requiem* – Capcom Entertainment (Moaning zombies win awards now?) 📢
*Rockbeasts* – Lichthund / Team17 (Because rocks needed to be scarier.) 🪨

Best Gameplay

*Donkey Kong Bananza* – Nintendo (Jump, jump, and jump again! Groundbreaking!) 🐒
*Hela* – Windup / Knights Peak (Who?) 👤
*Mario Kart World* – Nintendo (Drifting in circles since 1992!) 🏎️
*PVKK: Planetenverteidigungskanonenkommandant* – Bippinbits / Kepler Interactive (Try saying that three times fast!) 🗣️
*Resident Evil Requiem* – Capcom Entertainment (Tank controls FTW!) 🎮

Most Entertaining

*Dispatch* – AdHoc Studio (Is this about pizza delivery? Because that’s entertaining.) 🍕
*Donkey Kong Bananza* – Nintendo (Throwing barrels? Hilarious!) 😂
*Grounded 2* – Obsidian Entertainment / Xbox Game Studios (Honey, I shrunk the kids…again!) 🚸
*Hela* – Windup / Knights Peak (Still don’t know what this is.) 🤷‍♀️
*Mario Kart World* – Nintendo (Because everyone loves blue shells, right?) 😡

Most Epic

*Crimson Desert* – Pearl Abyss (Still a mystery to me.) 🕵️‍♀️
*Dune: Awakening* – Funcom (Spice must flow…into my boredom.) ⏳
*Resident Evil Requiem* – Capcom Entertainment (Epicly bad?) 💀
*Super Meat Boy 3D* – Sluggerfly, Team Meat / Headup (Meat…in 3D! Delightful!) 🥩
*Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine 2* – Saber Interactive / Focus Entertainment (For the Emperor! And my sanity!) 🙏

Most Wholesome

*Hela* – Windup / Knights Peak (Is this game even real?) 👻
*Is This Seat Taken?* – Poti Poti Studio / Wholesome Games Presents (Sounds like a therapy session.) 🛋️
*Star Birds* – Toukana Interactive (Birds…in space! How original!) 🐦‍🚀
*Tiny Bookshop* – neoludic games / Skystone Games, 2P Games (Reading is fun…said no gamer ever.) 📚
*Winter Burrow* – Pine Creek Games / Noodlecake (Sounds depressing.) 🥶

Games for Impact

*Cairn* – The Game Bakers (Rocks can change the world!) 🌎
*Forever Skies* – Far From Home (I hope it’s not forever.) ⏳
*Hollow Home* – Twigames / Galaktus (Sounds like my apartment.) 🏚️
*Monowave* – Studio BBB (What is this even supposed to mean?) ❓
*Tiny Bookshop* – neoludic games / Skystone Games, 2P Games (Saving the world, one book at a time!) 🦸‍♀️

PLATFORM Category Group

Best Microsoft Xbox Game

*Borderlands 4* – Gearbox Software / 2K (Because Xbox needs more shooters.) 🔫
*Crimson Desert* – Pearl Abyss (I’m starting to think this game doesn’t exist.) 🦄
*Grounded 2* – Obsidian Entertainment / Xbox Game Studios (Still shrinking those kids!) 🤏
*Little Nightmares 3* – Supermassive Games / Bandai Namco Entertainment (Xbox needs more nightmares!) 😨
*Ninja Gaiden 4* – PlatinumGames, Team Ninja / Xbox Game Studios (Hack and slash until you drop!) ⚔️

Best PC Game

*Anno 117: Pax Romana* – Ubisoft Mainz / Ubisoft (Building empires while I browse Reddit.) 🏛️
*Borderlands 4* – Gearbox Software / 2K (PC gamers deserve more boredom.) 💻
*PVKK: Planetenverteidigungskanonenkommandant* – Bippinbits / Kepler Interactive (I still can’t pronounce it!) 🗣️
*Towa and the Guardians of the Sacred Tree* – Brownies inc. / Bandai Namco Entertainment (Sacred tree? Sounds boring.) 🌳
*World of Warcraft* – Blizzard Entertainment / Activision Blizzard (Still playing this? Get a life!) 🧙‍♂️

Best Sony PlayStation Game

*Borderlands 4* – Gearbox Software / 2K (PlayStation: Home of the bland shooter.) 🎮
*Crimson Desert* – Pearl Abyss (Seriously, show me this game!) 👀
*Cronos: The New Dawn* – Bloober Team (Is this a *God of War* knockoff?) 🪓
*Pragmata* – Capcom Entertainment (Still waiting for this one…) ⏳
*Resident Evil Requiem* – Capcom Entertainment (Zombies on PlayStation…shocking!) 🧟

Best Nintendo Switch 2 Game

*Donkey Kong Bananza* – Nintendo (More monkeys, more bananas!) 🐒
*Mario Kart World* – Nintendo (Because the Switch 2 needed another kart racer.) 🏎️
*Metroid Prime 4: Beyond* – Nintendo (Beyond delayed!) 🕒
*Towa and the Guardians of the Sacred Tree* – Brownies Inc. / Bandai Namco Entertainment (More trees…yay.) 🌳
*Winter Burrow* – Pine Creek Games / Noodlecake (Winter is coming…and it’s boring.) ❄️

Best Mobile Game

*Arknights: Endfield* – Hypergryph / Gryphline (Another gacha game? Kill me now.) 😫
*Dungeon Clawler* – Stray Fawn / Stray Fawn Publishing, Playworks (Claw machines…on your phone!) 🧸
*Genshin Impact* – HoYoverse (Still going strong, apparently.) 💪
*Love and Deepspace* – Papergames / Infold Games (Sounds like a dating sim for aliens.) 👽
*Servant of the Lake* – Rusty Lake (Rusty Lake? Sounds charming.) 🎣

GLOBAL Category Group

• Best Lineup (Jury Award): Whoever bribed the jury the most. 💰
• Best Booth (Jury Award): The one with the most flashing lights and free swag. 💡
• Best Business Booth (Jury Award): Where shady deals are made. 🤝
• HEART OF GAMING Award (Special Jury Prize): The game that tries the hardest to be “meaningful.” 💖
• Best Booth (Consumer Award): The one with the longest lines and the most cosplayers. 🎭
• Best Merch (Consumer Award): Overpriced plastic junk that will end up in a landfill. 🗑️
• Best Trailer / Announcement (Consumer Award): The one with the most explosions and dubstep. 💥
• So there you have it, folks! The Gamescom Award 2025 nominees. Prepare to be underwhelmed! 😐