Oh, look who’s trying to break the internet again—Nintendo, with its annual “We love Mario so much we’ll literally give you everything except our firstborn” celebration. In honor of Mario Day (yes, that’s a thing, and yes, it’s happening whether you like it or not), Nintendo has unleashed a marketing blitzkrieg that would make Bowser’s airship fleet look like a lazy Sunday stroll.
First up, Nintendo is playing the nostalgia card harder than Mario plays the damsel-in-distress card. If you’re one of those cool kids with a Nintendo Switch Online subscription (or the mythical Switch 2 that apparently exists now), you can dive into a retro gaming buffet featuring Mario titles from the Super NES, Game Boy, and NES. And because Nintendo clearly thinks we need MORE Mario in our lives, they’re even throwing in select games from other systems. Yes, you can now experience the migraine-inducing glory of Mario Clash and Mario’s Tennis on the Virtual Boy—because apparently, Nintendo wants to remind us why we collectively agreed to pretend that console never happened. 🙃
But wait, there’s more! Nintendo is having a rare sale event at participating retailers that’s so generous it almost makes you forget how much you’ve spent on their ecosystem over the years. Games like Super Mario 3D World + Bowser’s Fury, Super Mario Odyssey, Luigi’s Mansion 3, and Super Mario Party Jamboree are all retailing for a wallet-friendly $59.99 CAD. How kind of them to only slightly discount games that have been out long enough to collect their own vintage tax. Meanwhile, Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door and Mario & Luigi: Brothership are going for the bargain-bin price of $44.99 CAD. What a steal! It’s almost like they’re trying to clear shelf space for the next inevitable Mario re-release.
Now, let’s talk about the elephant in the room—or should we say, the plumber in the cinema? The new Super Mario Galaxy Movie is on its way, and in celebration, Nintendo has partnered with Ciniplex to bring you the ultimate viewing experience: playing single-player or multiplayer video games on the Switch 2 at select theaters. Nothing says “immersive cinematic experience” quite like sitting in a dark room surrounded by strangers all trying to figure out how to connect their Joy-Cons. Pro tip: if you hear someone yell “It’s-a me!” every time they score a point, you’re in the right place.
For those who prefer their Mario competition with a side of internet lag, Mario Kart World is offering a weekly series of online races. Participate in any of the three events, and you’ll be rewarded with 310 My Nintendo Platinum Points. That’s right, folks—enough points to redeem for absolutely nothing of substance! But hey, at least it’s exclusive to the Americas, because apparently, Mario’s kart only runs on North and South American internet infrastructure.
And because Nintendo clearly hasn’t done enough to make your wallet cry, they’re offering an exclusive keychain if you buy a Switch or Switch 2 game featuring Mario from participating EB Game stores. Yes, a keychain. Because what every dedicated gamer needs is more plastic swag to add to their collection of Nintendo-branded knick-knacks that they’ll probably lose within a week.
So there you have it, Mario fans. Nintendo has officially pulled out all the stops for Mario Day festivities, proving once again that if there’s one thing they’re better at than making great games, it’s making you feel guilty for not buying more of their stuff. Whether you’re reliving the classics, snagging a “discount,” watching people play Switch in a movie theater, or racing online for digital brownie points, one thing’s for sure: Nintendo’s marketing team deserves a medal for this masterful display of capitalistic affection.
Happy Mario Day, everyone! Now excuse me while I go figure out how to fit another Mario statue on my already-crowded shelf. 🎮💰
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
