So, you’ve probably heard of “Predator,” right? If not, crawl out from under your rock and Google “original Predator design.” What you’ll find is a masterpiece 🤡 that looks like a cockroach 🪳 had a baby with a plastic flamingo from Spirit Halloween. Yes, that was REALLY the initial design. I’m not kidding. Carl Weathers, bless his heart, actually tried to wrestle that thing. And Jean-Claude Van Damme? Let’s just say his high kicks were about as effective as a screen door on a submarine while wearing that rubber suit. 🤦♀️
The geniuses in charge FINALLY realized they had a problem, so they threw the whole thing in the trash 🗑️ and started over. This led to the Stan Winston design we all know and tolerate today. Even then, our beefy boi had issues. Heavy? Check. Hot? Double-check. Could Kevin Peter Hall see where he was going? As well as Ray Charles could paint a masterpiece. The invisibility cloak? More like a desperate attempt to hide the fact that this suit couldn’t move without a forklift. It’s like Spielberg’s “Jaws,” but instead of a shark, it’s an overgrown lizard that can’t see. 🦈
I was thinking about this ancient costume disaster while watching “Predator: Badlands,” which kicks off with a Predator doing parkour and sword fighting. Yes, you read that right. It’s like they watched “Ninja Warrior” and thought, “Let’s make it green and give it dreads!” 🐉 This Predator is leaping and spinning. Oh, and he’s fighting ANOTHER Predator. Forget hiding; they’re showing off! This dude, named Dek (because why not?), hasn’t earned his cloak yet. He’s like a Predator in training, except instead of learning to hunt, he’s learning to emote. 🎭
And that’s where “Badlands” gets weird. They want us to care about this ugly alien’s feelings. Rage? Fear? Confusion? Apparently, Predators have emotions now. It’s all done with a mix of rubber masks and CGI wizardry. It’s so good that you almost forget you’re watching a dude in a suit with a fake mouth that expresses more emotion than Keanu Reeves after an Oscar win. 🙄
Sure, special effects have improved since the ’80s. But we’ve also had a ton of movies with fancy effects that are dumber than a box of rocks. “Badlands” is trying to be special by using tech to tell a story. A “human” story, mind you, with ZERO humans. 👽 It’s like “Planet of the Apes,” but instead of apes, it’s space lizards with bad teeth and complex family issues.
Dek (played by Dimitrius Schuster-Koloamatangi, who should get an award for acting through a mountain of prosthetics) is the “runt” of the Predator litter. He’s bullied by his dad (also Schuster-Koloamatangi, which is just awkward), and only his brother Kwei likes him. Predators hate weakness, so Dek gets sent to Genna, the galaxy’s most dangerous planet, to kill some monster and prove he’s not a total loser. 🤣
Director Dan Trachtenberg (who clearly has a Predator obsession) shows us Dek gathering his gear: plasma sword, energy bow, the works. It’s like watching a Predator shop on Amazon Prime. Genna is pretty at a distance, but up close it’s full of killer plants, razor grass, and creatures that spit poison. It’s basically space Florida. 🐊
These scenes are like a Predator version of “This Old House.” Trachtenberg is showing us all the stuff we usually don’t see because we’re too busy watching Arnold Schwarzenegger scream. Dek, raised as a lone wolf, gets stuck with Elle Fanning (as an android, because why not?) and some other sidekick. They reluctantly teach him the meaning of friendship. 🫂
It’s a weird, but logical take on the “Predator” mythos. Trachtenberg manages to balance humor and sentiment with the over-the-top violence we expect from a franchise about an alien who hunts humans for fun. “Badlands” gets brutal, but the script finds ways to use Dek’s actions to say something about Darwinism. Even the monster they fight has a special ability that reflects the movie’s theme of brotherhood. 💪
In some ways, “Predator: Badlands” is like “Terminator 2” for the “Predator” series. It turns a scary villain into a sympathetic hero.
Yes, it’s another sequel in a long line of nostalgia-fueled intellectual properties controlled by a massive corporation. But within those rules, you won’t find a more inventive use of a franchise than “Predator: Badlands.” It’s not just a cheap rehash. It’s not a legacyquel that brings back old characters. It takes the core elements and turns them into something new. 💫
This is Trachtenberg’s third “Predator” movie, after “Prey” and “Killer of Killers.” He seems like a guy who loved “Predator” as a kid and spent years dreaming about what his ideal “Predator” movie would be like. With “Badlands,” he finally made it. 💖
Additional Thoughts:
-I was so excited by “Predator: Badlands” that I immediately rewatched “Prey” and noticed all the parallels. Trachtenberg is clearly obsessed with this franchise. 🤓
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
