‘Tis the season for brand new Christmas movies, because apparently, we haven’t suffered enough yet. 🎄
As we plunge headfirst into the glittery abyss of the 2025 holiday season — a time when Starbucks cups get gayer, Hallmark starts churning out more nonsense than usual, and your aunt Linda posts 87 variations of the same ugly sweater photo on Facebook — Hollywood has once again graciously decided to bless us with a fresh batch of Christmas movies. Because clearly, what this world needed was more films about people falling in love in front of fireplaces while sipping cocoa that’s definitely not from a packet. ❄️🍫
And let’s be real, are any of these movies actually good? No. But is there anything more comforting than watching a emotionally stunted protagonist rediscover the “true meaning of Christmas” while accidentally kissing their ex in a poorly lit gazebo scene? Absolutely not. It’s like emotional fast food — greasy, predictable, and strangely satisfying. 🍔💔
This year’s crop of holiday films ranges from “Wait, that’s a real movie?” to “I can’t believe they paid people to make this,” but fear not! We’ve braved the tinsel-strewn battlefield so you don’t have to. Whether you’re into sobfests about dying dogs, musical chaos from the Jonas Brothers (yes, really), or rom-coms so generic they were probably AI-generated during a lunch break, 2025 has something for everyone. Even you, Karen from Omaha who runs the Facebook group “Christmas Movies & Hot Cocoa: No Exceptions.”
So grab your Snuggie, your emotional support cinnamon candle, and prepare your Prime Video queue, because here are the new Christmas movies you can stream in 2025 — whether you want to or not. 📺🎅
Goodbye June
Oh, perfect. Just what we all wanted — a Christmas movie that makes you cry into your eggnog. This cinematic masterpiece follows four siblings who are forced to confront their deep-seated trauma, unresolved family issues, and the fact that their mom might kick the bucket during Christmas. Directed by Kate Winslet (yes, *that* Kate Winslet, who clearly had a spare weekend), this emotional dumpster fire stars Toni Collette, Andrea Riseborough, Timothy Spall, Johnny Flynn, Helen Mirren, and Winslet herself, all doing their best to pretend this isn’t just *Sixteen Candles* but with hospice care. It’s like *The Royal Tenenbaums* if everyone wore ugly sweaters and argued over who forgot the cranberry sauce. Stream it on Netflix starting December 12, and don’t forget to have a tissue nearby — or a stiff drink. Preferably both. 🥃😢
Oh. What. Fun.
Finally, a movie that speaks to the modern woman’s experience: being forgotten at home while your entire family goes to see a reindeer light display without you. Michelle Pfeiffer stars as the long-suffering mom/wife who says “screw it” and decides to let her family starve while she goes on a solo holiday adventure. Directed by Michael Showalter (because nothing says Christmas like absurdist chaos), this film also stars Felicity Huffman, Chloë Grace Moretz, Denis Leary, Eva Longoria, and Jason Schwartzman, who apparently wasn’t busy enough already. It’s like *Fargo* meets *The Griswolds*, but with better fashion and more emotional breakdowns in IKEA. Stream it on Prime Video and prepare to feel seen… and slightly triggered. 🛋️👑
The Merchants of Joy
Ever wondered what it’s like to sell Christmas trees on the streets of New York while fighting off frostbite and existential dread? Of course you haven’t, but Hollywood said “you’re welcome” anyway. This documentary follows five real-life families as they battle the elements, capitalism, and their own sanity to sell evergreens to people who probably just want a fake tree they can reuse for seven years. Directed by Celia Aniskovich, this film asks the tough questions: Can love survive the holiday season? Can you survive your in-laws? And most importantly, why is a 6-foot tree $300? Stream it on Prime Video and weep for their profit margins. 🌲💸
Merv
Ah yes, the classic tale of a recently separated couple forced to co-parent their *depressed dog* during the holidays. Because nothing says romance like a golden retriever who won’t stop sighing while staring out the window like it’s in a French art film. Directed by Jessica Swale and starring Zoey Deschanel (who hasn’t aged since *New Girl*) and Charlie Cox (who finally got his groove back after *Daredevil*), this movie answers the age-old question: Can love be rekindled while arguing over who forgot to buy the dog’s Christmas sweater? The answer is yes, obviously. Stream it on Prime Video and prepare for maximum cringe. 🐶❤️
Champagne Problems
In this holiday rom-com, a corporate executive (shocker) accidentally falls in love with the heir of the champagne company she was sent to destroy in Paris right before Christmas. Spoiler: They kiss on a boat. Double spoiler: The boat is probably a barge. Starring Minka Kelly, who still looks like she’s 23, and directed by Mark Steven Johnson (who clearly needed a paycheck), this movie is basically *The Devil Wears Prada* but with more bubbles and less Miranda Priestly. Stream it on Netflix and try not to roll your eyes when they declare their undying love in front of the Eiffel Tower while eating a croissant that definitely isn’t stale. 🥐🇫🇷
A Very Jonas Christmas Movie
The Jonas Brothers are back, baby! And this time, they’re not just stealing hearts — they’re stealing your holiday viewing time with a chaotic musical comedy about trying to get home for Christmas after finishing a tour in London. Directed by Jessica Yu (who clearly has no fear), this film stars Joe, Nick, and Kevin Jonas, who somehow still exist as a band. Expect terrible British accents, spontaneous song-and-dance numbers, and at least one emotional breakdown in a Heathrow terminal. Stream it on Disney+ and Hulu, because apparently, one platform wasn’t enough for this level of chaos. 🎶✈️
Jingle Bell Heist
Two broke strangers team up to rob a famous London department store and somehow fall in love in the process. Directed by Michael Fimognari and starring Olivia Holt and Connor Swindells, this film answers the burning question: “What if *Home Alone* but with romance and significantly less logic?” Expect awkward flirting in Selfridges, a suspicious amount of CGI snow, and a security guard who definitely needs a raise. Stream it on Netflix and try not to question how they pulled off the heist using only a candy cane and a dream. 🍬🚨
A Merry Little Ex-Mas
A recently separated couple tries to celebrate one last family Christmas before the divorce, but then — plot twist! — the husband brings his new girlfriend, and all hell breaks loose. Directed by Steve Carr and starring Alicia Silverstone (yes, *Clueless* Alicia) and Oliver Hudson (who is definitely not just Patrick’s brother anymore), this movie is basically *The Holiday* if everyone hated each other and the kids were therapy-bound. Expect passive-aggressive Christmas toasts, a drunken meltdown involving a fruitcake, and at least one scene where someone cries in a closet. Stream it on Netflix and enjoy the emotional carnage. 🍰😭
Tinsel Town
A washed-up Hollywood action star gets tricked into joining a local Christmas musical in this British holiday comedy that asks the real questions: Can Rebel Wilson sing? Can Kiefer Sutherland do anything besides look like he’s seen the apocalypse? And why is there always a small-town musical at the center of every Christmas movie? Directed by Chris Foggin, this film is basically *High School Musical* but with more emotional baggage and fewer coordinated dance numbers. Rent it on Prime Video, Apple TV, or Fandango at Home, and try not to wonder why this wasn’t just a Hallmark original. 🎤🎬
So there you have it, folks — the 2025 Christmas movie lineup, brought to you by capitalism, emotional vulnerability, and the collective need to avoid your family at all costs. Whether you’re watching alone under a blanket fort or hosting a holiday movie night with people you tolerate once a year, these films promise love, laughter, and at least one scene where someone realizes that Christmas isn’t about presents — it’s about being with the people you pretend to like. 🎁🙃
Now go forth, stream wisely, and remember: if you watch more than three of these in one sitting, you may need help. Or at least a better therapist. 💊🎅
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
