Another weekend, another excuse to avoid sunlight and human interaction! 🥳 Gather ’round, fellow couch potatoes, as we unveil the cinematic masterpieces 🤣 (and not-so-masterful disasters) 😈 you can stream from the luxurious confines of your humble abode. Forget going outside; nature is overrated anyway. 🌲 Plus, who needs pants when you’ve got Netflix? 🩳
We all know that Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays are obviously for movies. 🙄 But let’s be real, the local theater is basically a plague pit of overpriced snacks and chatty teenagers. 🍿🙅♀️ So why bother when you can microwave some stale popcorn 🫕, don your most questionable pajamas 🤡, and press “play” without having to endure the judgmental stares of society? 👀
This weekend, you can punish yourself with *Black Phone 2* at home if you’re still clinging to the spooky season like a desperate ghoul. 👻💀 Or, if you’re feeling particularly masochistic, dive into Guillermo del Toro’s *Frankenstein* on Netflix, where Oscar Isaac probably mumbles dramatically while Jacob Elordi glares intensely. 😠 There’s also some Keanu Reeves flick where he plays a guardian angel because Hollywood has officially run out of ideas. 💡➡️ 🗑️
But enough with the foreplay; here are the five “best” new movies you can stream at home this weekend, free or otherwise. Enjoy… or don’t. 🤷♀️
Black Phone 2 (VOD)
Because one round of supernatural horror wasn’t enough, *Black Phone 2* drags Finney Blake (poor guy) back into the nightmare. 😨 Now a “troubled teen” (because being kidnapped by a serial killer clearly builds character 👍), Finney must battle the Grabber once more, who is now terrorizing people from beyond the grave because even death can’t stop a good villain from phoning it in. 📞💀
This time, the chilling sequel unfolds at a snow-covered mountain sleepaway camp (because nothing says “horror” like a picturesque winter wonderland 🏔️). Finney and his sister Gwen team up to solve the Grabber’s initial murder spree. *Black Phone 2* boldly abandons the subtle psychological scares of the original in favor of cheap jump scares and Ethan Hawke doing his best Freddy Krueger impression. 🤡🔪
*Black Phone 2* is available for rent or purchase on VOD, so you can waste your money from the comfort of your own home. 💰➡️ 🚽
Frankenstein (Netflix)
Guillermo del Toro, the king of gothic gloom, presents us with his latest exercise in macabre misery: *Frankenstein*. 💀
Based on Mary Shelley’s timeless tale of hubris and hideousness, del Toro’s *Frankenstein* stars Oscar Isaac as the titular egomaniac and Jacob Elordi as the misunderstood monster. 😠 Expect lots of brooding, moody lighting, and Oscar Isaac dramatically regretting his life choices. 🎭
*Frankenstein* is streaming exclusively on Netflix because apparently, they hate us. 🥲
The Smashing Machine (VOD)
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson sheds his charismatic persona to play MMA fighter Mark Kerr in *The Smashing Machine*. 💪
This biopic chronicles the life of former MMA legend Mark Kerr, whose quest for perfection leads him down a dark path of substance abuse, relationship drama, and physical trauma. 🤕 It sounds like a real feel-good movie. 🙄
*The Smashing Machine* is available on VOD, so you can witness The Rock’s dramatic range from your couch. 🛋️
Good Fortune (VOD)
Aziz Ansari writes, directs, and stars in *Good Fortune*, a “supernatural, socially minded comedy” about wealth inequality. 💰➡️💩 Keanu Reeves plays a guardian angel (again), Seth Rogen is there for some reason, and Sandra Oh and Keke Palmer try to salvage the situation. 🙏
The plot involves a body swap between a struggling gig worker and a wealthy investor. 💸 The premise sounds hilarious, but the execution is probably not. 🤣
*Good Fortune* is available to rent or purchase on VOD, if you’re feeling charitable. 😇
The Fantastic Four: First Steps (Disney+)
Marvel’s attempt at the *Fantastic Four* (again) sees Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Ben Grimm, and Johnny Storm battle the planet-devouring Galactus. 💥🔥🌑 Apparently, Galactus is obsessed with Reed and Sue’s baby for reasons that will remain a mystery because nobody cares. 👶
Set in the 1960s, this retro-futuristic adventure is packed with action, heart, and family values. ❤️ It’s also guaranteed to be another soulless corporate product designed to milk your nostalgia. 🥛💸
*The Fantastic Four: First Steps* is streaming for free on Disney+, so at least you’re not paying extra for this garbage. 🗑️
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
